Evan is 4 weeks old today

Wow...I can't believe that 4 weeks have already passed. And yet here we are...back at another bitter-sweet day. 4 weeks since the joy of giving birth to two precious sons...and now 4 weeks later with life so very different. I am thrilled for Evan and how well he has done this past month. He hasn't dealt with any major set backs or infections, and that is amazing. A miracle in itself. Evan is the reason I can still see miracles. My heart remains forever aching and broken missing Zac. But when I'm with Evan I feel strong for him. And I feel very very blessed. Evan WAS going to have his eye exam today that all preemies have done. BUT, because he has his apnea and brady episodes they have decided to delay the exam for a week. I had requested being present at his exam so I could hear the results, but his nurse just called me and told me that because even in babies with no history of brady's or apnea episodes tend to experience these after the eye exam because of the stress, they decided against Evan having it done because he DOES experience these things and they are concerned that it would just put him under too much stress and he would have more frequent episodes throughout the day. I'm glad that they have decided to wait. The nurse said there really is no real rush to have the exam done so they will keep monitoring Evan and watching his episodes. Once they become fewer then they will do the exam. Evan had three apnea episodes last night. Please pray that these episodes will become few and far between. I know that he will outgrow them...but it's not fun being present when he is experiencing one of these. He loses his pink color and turns blue...and not only does it stress me out for HIS sake, but it puts me right back to the vision of Zac in my arms as he took his final breaths. And I have moments where I just can not handle it. It terrifies me seeing Evan like that. It only lasts momentarily until he is stimulated and reminded to breath, but still...who wants to see their baby with blue coloring. Pray that he will soon outgrow his brady and apnea episodes. Pray for his strength and health to continue on the path that his health has been on. He really has been fortunate. Yesterday as my mom and I were leaving the NICU, the NICU liason was leaving at the same time and we said "can you believe that he is already 4 weeks old!" And she said 4 more weeks and they'll start talking about timeframes for him to come home. That idea seems to foreign and so far away to me. I almost won't allow myself to go there because I fear disappointment. Yet a part of me wants to allow myself to feel some excitement and to really focus on preparing for him coming home. Anyhow, please also pray for continued strength for me. I have been go go go and won't miss a day with Evan...but the exhuastion is starting to take a toll. I can feel it. Yet when I'm with him, then I feel good. But I am tired. And I know that the pain of missing Zac is really adding up too. We rely on others prayers for us right now because we feel tired and weak. We continue to make our requests known to God, but we are really counting on the prayers of you all to help us through and to help us find renewed strength. Anyhow, I better go. Things to get done before I head up to the hospital. Praying everyone has a blessed day!