I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Sat. Apr 18 - Update

Sorry I've been away for a few days. I've been pretty run down and as it turns out I have developed an infection from my surgery!! Yesterday I was at my 6 week postpartum appointment and yuppers...it is figured that there is an infection. Fortunately my OB didn't think it was severe enough to be admitted for IV antibiotics, so I was put on a weeks worth of oral antibiotics. So here's hoping it takes care of whatever was brewing! I KNEW something was up this past week. I was feeling fine, but the the past week my tummy was in a lot of agony and I was having to get up from sitting the way I did after my c-section...and I was just feeling really "off". Yesterday before I went to my appointment I called my mom in tears asking her to go be with Evan while I was at the doctors, and that I wasn't sure if I was going to come/stay at the hospital. That's how icky I was feeling. I did stop by briefly, and was over-joyed to hear how well Evan was doing, and to see him even for a little while. Then I came home and slept and slept. It was great. But before I fell asleep I cried and cried and cried. I was so sad not to be with Evan as I usually am. Plus...I had my first awkward moment about Zac. My doctor's nurse congratulated me on my two sons...not knowing that Zac had passed away. So as I was standing on the scale telling her Zac had passed three days after his birth...I burst in to tears. And it was just down hill from there. And when I got home I just felt so overwhelmed, and so sad and angry again. Don't get me wrong...every minute of my days aren't filled with those emotions, but it's hard not to miss my son. I need my moments of grieving so that I can pull myself together again to feel the joy that I feel with Evan and Brett. Now, update with Evan. On the 16th we had a wonderful hour of snuggling...the BEST birthday present I could have gotten that day!! We had such a nice time together, and my heart was overflowing! Evan's tummy is MUCH better!!!! I think we are on our way up! He is now up to 17mls of Neocate formula, and they keep adding another ml every 6 hours. They've also lowered the temp. in his isolette again today and he is doing great for maintaining his body temp!! AND...the doctor has recommended stopping his caffeine and seeing how he does with that!!!! His brady's and apnea's are becoming less and less...so the hope now is that he will begin to sort things out without needing the caffeine or intervention from the nurses or me! He's still little, and it still may take time with the brady's/apnea's...so we won't be devastated if he needs his caffeine longer or continues to have the odd brady/apnea...we expect that. Last night I took another one of Evan's preemie onesies just to lay it on him...and sure enough...he would fit these already!! I hope he gets SOME use out of the preemie outfits he has received!! I'm sure he will for a little while. AND, as of last night Evan weighed 4lbs 6ou!!! He is aaaaalmost double his birth weight!! COOL!!! I have to admit that I haven't listened to my praise and worship music since the boys were born. I felt betrayed, hurt and bruised, and I know that the praise and worship music moves my soul in a way that I didn't want to feel just yet. But I received a wonderful gift the other day...a praise and worship CD that I hadn't heart before. My heart was pounding as I put it in my car CD player. And then as I listened...I felt soooooo many emotions, but I also felt some healing beginning in my soul. All the songs have special meaning to them, but one in particular hit home to me personally and I want to share these words with you all... Whole World In His Hands - Christy Nockels When all around is fading / And nothing seems to last / When each day is filled with sorrow / Still I know with all my heart // He's got the whole world in His hands / He's got the whole world in His hands / I fear no evil / For You are with me / Strong to deliver / Mighty to save / He's got the whole world in HIs hands // When I walk through fire / I will not be burned / When the waves come crashing around me / Still I know with all my heart // He's got the whole world in His hands / He's got the whole world in His hands / I fear no evil / For You are with me / Strong to deliver / Mighty to save / He's got the whole world in His hands This reminded me of a verse that I had been led to when I learned I was pregnant with Zac and Evan. Psalm 66:12 ...we went through fire and water, but You brought us to a place of abundance. I kept thinking this was a guarantee that NOTHING would go wrong. That our boys would be safe and that we would have abundant joy. After losing Zac...I've questioned MANY of the verses I was led to during the weeks Zac fought to hang on. But I am slowly coming back to the truth that nothing is a guarantee. Zac was God's child first...God blessed us by loaning him to us. That's the was I see it. Zac will always be treasured in my heart as my first born son...a miracle beyond miracles. A fighter that didn't give up! Again I was reminded that I need to remember his fighting spirit and continue that spirit within myself. And now as I watch Evan continue to grow in leaps and bounds, and as I awe over the amazing beauty of this precious child who is OUR SON...I am blown away by such a feeling of blessing. Zac was not a lone fighter...Evan fought along side his big brother. They worked together to keep each other and me safe. And I owe it to both my sons to continue to live strong in life and in faith! Evan will learn of God and all His goodness and will learn that one day he too will meet his brother in heaven. I am forever grateful for Evan, and so blessed beyond blessed by his precious life. I look forward to the day he comes HOME WITH us!! We anticipate that day with eagerness. Please pray that my infection will clear completely and quickly, and that I will not have any adverse reactions to the medication. Please continue to pray for Evan as they test him out on taking him off his caffeine. That he will accept this new change and that he will not have an increase in Brady's or Apnea's. Continue to pray that his tummy continues to do well with his feeds and we don't experience another set back. That he will do well as they continue to decrease his isolette temperature and inch our way to seeing our son in an actual sleeper and then to an open isolette!!!! Well, I should get going. Things to do before we head back to the hospital. I am going tonight with Brett. Brett had an AWESOME hour and a half snuggle with his little boy...and Evan LOVED it!!!!!!!! He loves snuggling with daddy!!!!!

1 comment:

  1. Heather,
    I forgot to add at PAI that I will be praying for your infection to clear up ASAP! That must be so hard being away from Evan...even if you do need the extra rest. What you said about that verse carrying you through your pregnancy and your thinking that nothing would go wrong...sounds familiar to me. It is hard when we hang on to such hope and have it dashed as you have. I prayed for twins and God gave them to me...I really thought that meant that He would give them to me. I never thought for a single moment (regardless of my other losses) that I'd lose them both...or either of them at all. There are times it made me feel like their lives were pointless. But like you said...I also see the great beauty of what my sons were and are in Heaven. They are still His children and He loves them and gave them as a huge blessing! For even though times are unbearable sometimes...I still am hugely blessed to call them my sons! I'm praying for you and so glad Evan loves to snuggle :)