I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Friday, April 24, 2009

Even little hearts can be sensitive and hurt...

I am blown away beyond words, and tears have just been flowing! I was talking to my mom this morning. She and my dad had been babysitting my niece and nephew last night. For those of you who don't know my nephew...he is one smart kid at the age of 3! He has always been a very smart boy. And I could brag about him and my niece for hours...but my mom said that she had put on the instrumental music chanel on the TV. Finley had been playing in a room with my dad and my mom said he came out and asked why there was sad music on the TV. My mom tried to explain that it's not sad, it's just relaxing. He then proceeded to tell her "I don't like sad music. I don't like that Zac died." Ummmm, the tears are spilling all over again. My nephew, at the tender age of three knows that his cousin died. My sweet nephew holds that in his heart! My heart aches for him because who ever knew a young child would understand the depth of what happened. Yesterday I felt so angry for Evan...for what and who Evan lost. His brother. His partner. His friend. And I can never fix it. But now I feel angry for my precious nephew who knows what has happened and feels sad for that too! He associates that style of music as sad music, and associates it to Zac. And it makes my heart ache...yet touches my heart too knowing that even this small boy remembers a cousin he never got to meet. I am so grateful for Evan. We are truly blessed by him. But I am also so angry for the three children we have lost. I wanted to believe that God would spare Zac's life...and honestly my head has been spinning a lot lately trying to "understand" why He wouldn't do it. And ya, I guess I hold anger inside. Not bitterness...just understandable anger. Yet knowing I could have lost my precious Evan through this too...how can I not also feel gratitude? I hate this tug-of-war. On a more positive note... Evan is still making strides. He is bottling almost all his feeds now. He regained some weight last night so that was good news! His nurse also started to lower the temperature of his isolette. She was very impressed and said that normally babies his size need to be bundled in order to maintain their body temperature when they start lowering the isolette...but Evan hasn't flinched! He is holding his temp without having to be bundled!!! So last night they lowered it a bit more!! This is in an attempt to get him in to an open basinet in the next few days!!!!! What a day that will be to see him in an open basinet! It excites me! It's tons of fun now that he is bottling because we get to hold him more, and snuggle with him more too!! It has really made me REALLY start to feel like more of his mom!! It's wonderful! Well, I'm going to go get ready. I'm off to get some more of Evan's things before I head to the hospital for another precious day with my son! Please continue to pray that Evan will make forward strides and that no set backs will occur!!! Pray that he will continue to do well with his feeds, and with the new change to get him in to a basinet. And please pray for continued strength and energy for me! I would appreciate that! And to my precious nephew Fin...your auntie loves you bunches and bunches and bunches! Bless your precious sweet sensitive heart my boy!!


  1. Heather,
    I have found through the last year of grief that children are by far the most understanding to pain! They don't always show alot of emotion (but neither do men. LOL) but they 'get' it. Many times I would feel very disconnected from the rest of the world and then Caleb would touch me with his memory of his brothers and how much he misses them. (he was only 3 at the time that I was PG with Isaac and Isaiah) He remembers them as time goes on and he still talks about them well over a year later! That sure did make it hard at first, it is very hard to see little children grieve. It made me angry and hurt for Caleb in those early days after their deaths...he was so confused and sad, but it also gave me some strength to not feel like I was grieving all alone! (for much of my grief was alone...no one else cried over missing my sons) I pray that in the months ahead Finley's love for Zac will plant many seeds of comfort and blessings in your heart, as Caleb's love for Isaac and Isaiah have planted much comfort in mine. Praising God with you that Evan is continuing to do so well! How wonderful! I am sure that tug of war is very difficult and EXHAUSTING for you, and I will be lifting you up in prayer that the Lord will grant you energy and stamina. HUGS!


  2. Heather & Brett,

    Sometimes it's difficult or uncomfortable for others to comment on a less 'positive' post, but this one really drew my heart, because it shows the depths of your emotions and they should never be disregarded. I know how indescribably joyful you are with Evan's progress, yet the constant tug-of-war between the anticipation of having Evan home and the unspeakable grief of walking out of the hospital without Zac.

    Finley shares that too, as do Dan & I. We miss Zac with you too and he will never be forgotten. Never. We also pray for Evan daily and thank God for his progress. We pray for daily strength for you and Brett too.

    Love you my friend.xxx

  3. We had this Baby Praise DVD where they played "sadder" sounding music (the pink one). When Isaac was younger, for some reason, he would cry every time we played it (we realized that pretty quickly so we stopped paying it). It wasn't just tears down his face but sad, sad gut wrenching sobs. He wasn't talking then so we don't know why he cried. But may be Isaac was feeling something similar to what your nephew was feeling about losing his twin sister Rachel.

    Please don't worry though. Isaac is mostly a very happy boy these days.