I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Saturday, April 4, 2009

My substitute "womb". This is my current home.
These are my machines that watch my heart rate, respiratory and oxygen...and they go "beep and bing". Drive mom and dad crazy sometimes when they are all over the room.
Yup, I was being a stinker again and trying to pull my tube out. The nurses got smart to me and put on these cow mitties. Mom loved the mits!!
Lemme hear 'ya say heyyyyaaaaaaa!
I FOUND MY THUMB!!!!!! I liked it!!!!
Well, yesterday was a good day. The morning Evan was struggling a bit with his breathing and having quite a few brady's/apnea's and d-sats, so while I was pumping and came back they had put his nose prongs back on and were giving him just a tiny bit of high flow air. No oxygen added, just the air. And he was doing great! So I'm happy about that. Needs some more time. It's all trial and "error" right now. He has been great since then. No brady's or apnea's since just before 3pm yesterday!! So the extra air is a good thing right now.
I talked to Evan's nurse this morning and she said now that he has hit the weight he is at (3lbs 8.5ou as of last night) they are going to start increasing his milk again AND start pushing him to every 3 hours for his feeds. Right now he has been every 2 hours. And then once they establish the 3 hr feeds and he gains some more weight then they will switch him to demand feeding. And hopefully soon we will start being able to introduce ME! They figure maybe in the next week they'll start trying to introduce a bottle once a day to figure out the suck/swallow/breathe.
Leaps and bounds in baby steps!
Brett and his dad just put the baseboards on in Evan's room. It made me very happy and excited at the thought of him coming home. I'm sloooooowly starting to want to get in gear with finishing his room.
I cleaned out our bedroom and I found some ooooold audio cassette tapes (TOO funny!) and there was one tape with a song on it that I knew I liked years ago. I read the words, and it made me think of Zac and what his little life did for so many.
The song is called "When I am Gone", and it is by an old group called 4Him...
Life is a vapor
So quickly fading
It only lasts a season then it's gone
And I have chosen
To live each moment
Depending on a strength beyond my own
For even through my weakness
I am learning to believe
That through my silent faith
Somebody will see
When I am gone
What will they say
When I am gone
Will I leave behind a witness
That will carry on
when all the works and deeds that I have done
Dissolve into the past
Lord, let Your fire burn steadfast
When I am gone
I look around me
And see the darkness
Within a world where few are set apart
And then I wonder
Have I been faithful
To share the hope that lives within me heart
For when I tell another
What the Savior's love can do
They just might be the one
To reach out to You
It just made me think of all that I learned through the fight Zac had, that we had together. How I believed so strongly that God was in control. And of course, when I didn't get the final answer I had hoped for I felt so betrayed and crushed that Zac had to be taken to heaven. I think a part of me will always feel a bit of that, and a huge part of me will always be missing my little fighter boy...but Evan is alive and well. He is here. He is going to get to come home with us one of these weeks. Zac's fight and life can not be forgotten, and I have to keep moving forward and remembering that just as Evan's name means...God IS gracious.
Faith does not mean you are always going to get the answer you want. And it doesn't mean that when you don't get that answer that you just throw up your hands and give up. No...it means that even though it hurts like crazy...God is still God. He still loves just as much as He did before if not more. At least I have the comfort and security knowing that Zac is safely with God and that I WILL indeed be with my son again one day. I want Evan to come to know this faith and to make the decision to follow God on his own. I want Evan to know that with that faith and acceptance of God that we will always be together in life, or death. Death is not the end. Death is only the beginning. The ending of this short, temporary life on this earth. But it is the beginning of eternal life. And that is what I have to remember.
Yesterday I had a rough day. I just ached so bad. I always ache, and always will. How do you not ache for your child?! When I got to the hospital I ran in to the social worker and she asked how Evan was doing, and then how I was doing. It was then that I lost it right in front of her. I just needed to let it out. She understands. She lost IVF triplets in 2007...so she understands the pain of loss. It's so easy to talk to her...it feels like talking to a friend. Anyhow, I just needed the release and for once I was okay with showing those emotions to an outside source!
Anyhow, just needed to get all this off my mind. Now I am going to get ready and head up to see my son!! :) I have pushed myself another hour later! I'm going at 2pm. His nurse told me this morning not to feel guilty for needing some time for myself, and that I NEED to have some time for me. They are so good at reminding you not to feel bad for being human and needing to spend some time at home to organize life for the new arrival of your child! But it's really hard for me to be away from him!! I hate it!! So...on that note, I am off to get ready!!


  1. Heather,
    These pictures are wonderful! You can sure tell that Evan is gaining weight, his little arms almost have a chubby look to them :D

  2. Wow! Evan is growing like a weed! It is great to see him looking so well. Thanks for the pictures. We're continuing to pray for all of you!

    Love in Christ,
    Kristina in GA

  3. WOW! Evan is just so CUTE! I think he gets cuter in every picture! Congrats to him for hitting 3lb8oz! That is amazing! Big leaps for one so little. Sending you hugs as your heart aches for Zac. Your heart will not stop aching for him and it is much too soon for it to start 'fading' as they say! I know it is a day to day thing..and it is okay to be one day at a time (and sometimes one minute at a time). I am glad you have a social worker there that understands what it is like to have your child die! Sending you much hugs, love, prayers and I will be thinking of you often. Your boys are so sweet ((((Heather))) Thanks for posting the pics! :)
    Love in Him,

  4. I LOVED those pictures! Yay for baby fat! You continue to inspire me with your insight and strength.


  5. i love the pics. they take me back to my time in that room. it makes me tear up thinking back to all of that. the nurses and social workers are wonderful there aren't they? i had my fair share of breakdowns and they were always there for me. and they are right you do need some you time. i know it is hard for that b/c you want to be with your baby but soon he will be home and you will be begging for "ME TIME" . i think about your story everyday and am hoping you are doing well.