I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

April 15th - prayer request for Evan...and me

OK, so Evan had a really good day yesterday, which is always nice. And last night he had some awake time while we were there again. And that's always nice for Brett too! I spoke to Evan's nurse this morning and she said that he is still aspirating half his feeds, so they push that back down and just give him half of the new feed to make up the 7mls. But he also had 3 brady's last night too. She said he was quiet this morning. Now...he's not generally a screamer...just when he's really ticked off. But he does like to wiggle around quite a bit. This nurse has never been with Evan before, so it could just be that she isn't familiar with him. But our favorite nurse Lori was on last night too, so I'm sure she would have checked up on him time to time. Of course, this gets me all uptight about his feeds. He is on a gentle formula for sensitive tummies, so I'm not sure what the next step will be. Brett is going to go on rounds this morning. We both have appointments at 10am, but I also have to fit in a pump session in there, otherwise I would be at the hospital....ooooooooh, about RIGHT NOW! I want to be with Evan and know that he is fine...just wanting to be a bit lazy with his feeds. Yesterday Evan's actual doctor checked him out, and the report was that Dr. Bingham was more than happy with how Evan was looking and said his tummy felt and sounded great. So we'll see what he says this morning. Hopefully it is just that Evan needs a bit more time. Please pray that everything will be just fine with today's report. Pray that Evan's tummy will begin to sort itself out with his feeds and that he will be able to continue to keep increasing and doing his awesome weight gain. Pray that his intestines will remain calm and healthy and no more issues with them! I know to some what I am about to say will sounds completely ridiculous...but to me it isn't. Last night Brett and I went and purchased Evan's new stroller and car seat, and the matress for his crib. When I heard this mornings report from Evan's nurse it made me feel that every time I finally get to a place where I feel really positive and "safe" to proceed with preparing for Evan, something bad always happens. That's how I felt when we finally began to prepare for Evan and Zac...excited...and then bad things happened. I feel like I "jinx" things. Like I will never get to truly feel excited and be able to prepare without feeling terrified of what might happen. And it makes me really angry and frustrated. The thing is...I don't even know if there even IS an issue with Evan...I'm going by the tone of a nurses voice who has never had Evan before. So I know I need to try to remain calm until I hear the report from Brett from the actual doctor. It could be nothing at all, but still...I can't help how I feel. We have felt so screwed over so many times that it's hard not to feel cautious and suspicious. And I hate that. The other night Brett and I went for dinner and watched as couples with young children or babies and we just looked at each other and said "when will WE ever experience NORMAL?!" We both felt really frustrated and cheated. I know that we all have our crosses to bare. No ones life is perfect, and any who says their life IS perfect is either in denial or lying! Life can't possibly be perfect. But I guess it's all in how a person deals with the crummy stuff that's dumped on them. We just feel that we have way too much crummy stuff to get past. We just want for ONCE something to happen normally without fear and frustration. I don't want Evan to have to struggle through his days...I want him to sail through the next weeks and begin to really enjoy life with his mommy and daddy. And I'm sick and tired of living with this underlying fear. I am just tired in general. Yesterday I felt SO "up" and happy because I had such a good day with Evan. Today I feel...tired. And I won't feel settled until after rounds and know that Brett has normal news to report. So, we've covered my prayer request for Evan: settled tummy, settled intestines and increased feeds. Now comes my prayer request for myself. As you see above, I'm struggling today. I'm sick and tired of the emotional roller coaster. Sick and tired of living life with trying to be positive, yet always the underlying fears...it is getting to me. Pray that I would stop feeling like I'm "jinxing" my son and our happiness by actually allowing myself to continue to prepare for Evan's homecoming. I've also been feeling a bit off physically around one area of where my incision from my c-section was. I noticed that there is still one knot from my stitches and it looks agitated, but I feel like I've pulled something inside. And to add insult to injury...it is in the area of where Zac's head was. I have my 6wk post op with my OB tomorrow, so we'll see what she says. Well, there it is. I'm having an off day in general this morning. And I want to be able to start having more good days like yesterday! Will that ever happen? I'm sure it will...but WHEN?? I read this verse after I posted this, and just had to add it... “Every valley shall be lifted and filled up, and every mountain and hill shall be made low; and the crooked and uneven shall be made straight and level, and the rough places a plain” Isaiah 40:4 This is my prayer...that I would believe what this verse is saying!


  1. Hi Heather,

    I have never walked in your shoes, so honestly, I don't know how you feel. You do capture your feelings very well on this blog, however, so I feel like I understand you well. I am so sorry about your constantly feeling like you are "jinxing" Evan by trying to prepare for him. I am SURE that this is a VERY natural reaction for someone who has been through as much as you and Brett have been through. I know that you are tired of feeling this way. I will pray that in time, these bad feelings will dissipate, and the only feelings left will be warm, happy feelings of finally being a Mommy. (teary-eyed) I am also praying about your incision area. I had a bad recovery with Ian, so I can imagine. I will pray that you will recover from the problem area quickly.
    Many hugs,
    Kristina in GA

  2. Hey Heather,
    I vividly remember what it is like to look at others and wonder if they know how good they have it... but going through our loss made me realize that a lot of people are hurting but just don't show it - like I was trying not to. If anything it's made me more compassionate - and a better mom to our living daughter. But I remember breaking down in the middle of WalMart (of all places!) because of the unfairness of it all...
    Will pray for Evan's tummy, and your stitches... and just a general sense of REST for you guys. And for "normal"... definitely for "normal"...
    (And - btw - some nurses just blow things out of proportion as habit. I remember being a new grad and getting report in the morning and thinking, "This person is gonna keel over on me today!" based on what the other nurse was saying. :) But they were pretty much always just fine. Maybe your night nurse is one of those gals. :))

  3. Hey Heather,
    Feeling like you're 'jinxing' everything is a normal feeling that comes with the loss of a child so late. I had 6 miscarriages before I lost Isaac and Isaiah but I didn't feel like I was 'jinxing' things until they died. Then my whole world crumbled in a minute...the minute I heard that they weren't just sleeping for those two hours, they were gone forever to THIS world. I have since 'waited for the other shoe to drop' in nearly everything. Every time I start to feel a real intense joy, that sorrowful lining is still there lingering and scares me a bit about 'what is going to happen next'. Because we have learned just how crushing it is to have your whole future change in an instant...and death is so final. Even when you know you will be resurrected. Death is still final to the only life we know here. Life changing things (and all deaths are) really turn people upside down for a long time to come. And in many ways you HAVE been cheated by not having your sons with you at home and being 'normal'.(we know God doesn't cheat us, but you have lost what others around you have) Your feelings are normal but they are hard to deal with too. Sending you BIG, HUGE hugs and prayers! You're doing an awesome job keeping it together. And of course the 'reminders' that will come (like Zac's head by your stitches) just add salt to the wounds. I will be praying continuously for Evan and that he will keep growing strong and that he will get good reports from the DR and nurses! Praying the Lord will bless you and comfort you both as you continue this journey!
    Love in Him,

  4. Heather-My heart goes out to you hun. I am so sorry you are struggling so much and that Evan is having some tummy issues. I am praying for Evan that he will not have any serious issues with his tummy and that he will only move forward from here. I am also keeping you and Brett in my prayers as well. I pray that a sense of peace will wash over you these next couple of weeks as you wait for Evan to come home with you guys. I wish there was something more that I could say to encourage you. Just know that I am praying for your family. *hugs*