I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Busy and Exhausted

Yesterday we spent literally all day racing to get our house organized for today. Today realtors were allowed to come through the house and get an idea of what they were seeing. I packed Evan up and took him to my parents for the night (I followed muuuuch later on!) so that he could get a good sleep and be out of the paint fumes. Brett and I were up until 2am this morning finishing cleaning and getting the place organized. And then I headed over to my parents too...I just can't be away from Evan yet! Not yet. Too many nights apart already...66 to be exact!! But, the house got organized and I got 4 hours of sleep. When I got up I felt sick to my stomach...but had to get right back at it. I had to meet with someone at the new house to go through more blind samples, and then I spent 3 hours cleaning THAT house too...and only got a fraction done. You'd think everything brand new would be "easy" to clean...no way! Covered in saw dust, drywall dust, dirt...ya, not fun. And then I went and did some work at hubby's office. Needless to say...I'm DONE. I'm beyond exhuasted and in need of a shower!!! Evan is sound asleep, so I think I will soon jump in the shower and then in to bed. I still have more fine cleaning to do in our current house as there will be an open house on Saturday and Sunday afternoon. Fun fun. I hope this place sells fast...although there is still lots that needs to be done in the new house to make me feel comfortable enough to be living in there, even with what I know won't be done. Anyhow...on to other things. Yesterday Evan had his appointment with his physio and OT, and also had a check up with one of the doctors through this program. He is doing great with all his milestones. Just have to start back with the hamstring stretches. The doctor was really pleased with his weight and height and all his developments. She was more than happy. I was more than annoyed because Evan sees three different doctors (with this one included) and everyone weighs him differently. My doctors office no longer undresses him, where this place does. So of course there is a weight difference. For some reason it just really annoyed me yesterday, and I found myself totally disengaging. I KNOW they are awesome and doing their jobs and are trained to find things in short visits...but what bugs me is that they watch him for about 10-15 minutes and then judge where things are at...and even though he was right on target with no concerns...for some reason it just really bothered me all the sudden. How can they properly tell about his personality and what he does at home throughout the day in their 10-15 minute assessment of him? I'm speaking more of the pt and ot. PLUS...his appointment was EXACTLY at his nap time and he was EXHAUSTED so of course he isn't going to want to "engage" with one specific toy for a long period of time. Ugh...why did it bug me so much?? Maybe because I just want Evan to get to be a CHILD already!!!!! No judging, no eagle eye watching, no stressing, no assessing. Just let him be a kid! Kay...I know my attitude is because I was just so tired, and when I'm that tired I get very emotional. Plus...I was really missing Zac too. I've been overwhelmed with other peoples good news on the term pregnancy and deliveries of their twins, and have really come to realize that 4 out of 4 of friends of mine have all delivered safely and gotten to take home BOTH their babies. And I'm just feeling like I'm going through the "jealous"/"angry" stage of grief all over again. I am beyond over the moon with Evan...and his life holds SUCH a story and blessings of miracles. Yet...there will always be "the other side" of what I have to sort through by myself. It is easier when I don't have to face shows, movies, magazine ads...whatever the case may be...that doesn't involve twins or multiples in general. I know that sounds just horrid...but it's the bitter reality of a mother who has LOST one of her twins. I will always live with wondering what I did, why I couldn't have protected both my sons, and wondering why we didn't deserve to bring Zac home. I KNOW Zac's life touched many people, and I hope his short life still does...but I wish there could have been more. I wish I could be updating on BOTH my sons. I wish I could be sharing about how tired I am trying to feed both my babies, hold both my babies, pack both my babies up in their carseats, chase after both my sons, listen to both my sons jabber away to each other. Don't get me wrong...I am happy for my friends. So very happy. My loss and my agony has nothing to do with them and I don't mean to project it on to their fortune. It's just that is really makes me face my reality...and my reality hurts more than I can breath some days...well, every day! But I think these people are so lucky, and so fortunate...and I truly am genuinely happy for them. And then another thought came to my mind the other day. Smiling. Yup...smiles is what I was suddenly wondering about. I have come to realize that I have mastered the fine art of smiling. I've always been one to feel it is polite to smile...even if it's just someone you are passing while walking down the street. I always thought how maybe MY smile could brighten someone elses day...and who knows what they are going through or hurting through. And wouldn't it be wonderful if MY smile made them think that maybe today was worth it after all. I was thinking about this because the other day I was out running errands, and I was just busy and overwhelmed and tired and sad...and I just didn't feel like smiling. And then a complete stranger smiled at me with true warmth in their smile and I thought "maybe I can get through today after all". I've learned that a person can flash a smile out of kindness without actually feeling the true joy behind the smile. And often in these past months I have become that person. A person who smiles out of habit and tries to pretend like everything in perfect and that there is no hurt in my heart. I've learned how easy it is to mask your true feelings with a smile. And how it can avert someone from asking "are you okay?" I've also come to realize that the question "are you okay" seems like it is laden with fear that the person who is being asked might actually tell them the truth of how they are doing. I've learned that "how are you doing?" has become a polite question without the desire to truly bare what the receiver of this question might actually have to say. I've learned this because I don't often get asked this question any more. And some times I wonder if it's because people are afraid I will tell them the truth, or if they just actually believe that I'm "okay". And I am okay...don't get me wrong. I'm okay. I'm not perfect, I'm not all "fixed" up, I haven't stopped shedding tears. But it's okay to ask how I'm doing. I might react with a bit of a tear welling up in my eye while I answer, but chances are I will give the "I'm okay" response. To be honest...I don't know how many people really do want to know how I'm doing. And that's okay. I know my life holds a burden more than most can understand. But some times it would be nice to have a friend just ask me "how are you doing today? I truly want to know." OK, I must be tired, because even I think I'm sounding pathetic. I guess I just feel kinda lost right now. On the side where my sweet Evan is concerned...I couldn't be happier! My heart overflows. I find even on days like today where I have to be focused on one or the other of my houses and I am away from Evan for the day...it kills me. It literally feels like a piece of me is missing...and it is. But at least with Evan I know I get to go and scoop him in my arms when I'm done my tasks. I know I will get to feel him snuggle in to me and wrap his arms around me. And I cherish that so very much. We have been having so much fun together the busier he gets. We chase each other around the house...more like me chasing him all over the house! And when the weather WAS beautiful I felt so rejuvinated and we had so much fun going on our walks. I find myself getting excited for the summer and all our adventures. He is truly a miracle. A true blessing in every sense of the word. Both of my boys are blessings and miracles. Forever and ever. Well, I'm getting really tired here, and still want that shower and to get in to bed before 10pm...so I better go. I don't know if I've made any sense at all tonight, or if this was to even make any sense regardless. I guess I just needed to ramble today. There is so much going on in my mind these days and I'm finding it hard to get it out of me. There may be a few days where there aren't posts as faithfully as I would like, but with trying to sell our house and get the new one finished...I'll do my best!

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