I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Sunday, April 18, 2010

This and that

Me and Evan on my birthday last year!!
Where do I begin! I've not been able to post as much as usual now that our house in on the market and I'm forever being kicked out at moments notice! If it were just me and the dogs it would be okay, but poor Evan is just being thrown for a loop every day!!! And of course people want to come see the house during his nap times...so we've basically been living over at my parents place! Thank heavens Evan has a routine over there and will eat and sleep with ease. So that's good. Plus my dogs have been in heaven getting to enjoy play time with my parents dog and enjoying the yard and the sun. I'm sooooooooooooo glad that the weather has become beautiful once again so that my dogs can be outside more. Makes it some what "easier" to keep the house tidy. My house has never been more maticulous for consecutive days!! I'm embarassed to admit that! But usually there are toys strung from one end to the other, dog pillows at my front window, and dishes on the counter. BUT, my house has been looking wonderful!
My mom came and helped "stage" a few of our rooms...and WOW...THIS is how it should have always looked! But with two dogs that sleep with us on occassion (yes...we let our boxers sneak up during the night because we are too tired to push them off) I've never dared brave having white bedding. But man does it look sharp!!! I love it!!
Right now my dogs are crashed on their pillows on the deck basking in the glorious sun...which really, I should be grabbing the same opportunity...but I wanted to update the ol' blog!
So yes, the week has been busy. We started the week with one of Evan's physio appointments, which this time also included his OT that he hasn't seen for a couple of months as well as the pediatrician through this program. Things are good, and the pediatrician is MORE than happy with Evan's development, growth charts, weight, health. So that was good. I can't remember if I updated this in the last post, so for now I won't go in to detail. Bottom line...Evan is doing really really well, and we are thrilled.
It can still get tiring not being able to just enjoy watching him as any other regular child without having to listen to all the textbook jargon and textbook milestones. I appreciate the program, and understand this is for Evan's good...and I'm MORE than happy to oblige. BUT, the "sad" part of me just gets down time to time realizing nothing will ever be "normal". Although...it's getting there. On a day to day basis when Evan and I are doing our thing...it feels normal! So that has been a great feeling! I've even stopped obsessing over weights and things that once used to drive me to panic and fear. He is doing awesome...and I have to trust him and myself.
Last post I had mentioned about meeting with a company for a quote on my blinds. We got on the topic of children, and she asked about Evan and I got to share Evan and Zac's story.
It feels SO good to me to be able to do that. To be able to include Zac in our birth story, regardless of how painful the ending. It means the world to me that people just listen and don't offer any "at least your Evan is doing well". They just listen, usually say "I'm so sorry" and just leave it at that. When we met with our realtor his brother had come with him and once again I was able to share about Evan AND Zac...and the one realtor seemed genuinely moved and so happy for seeing Evan for himself after hearing the story. And that meant a lot to me.
In all the hustle of preparing this house to sell, all the viewings, the packing, the cleaning, the moving boxes to the new house and cleaning up the new house to move in...I realize how busy life has become and how quickly days fly by and how life is just plowing ahead...yet a part of me can't leave March 9, 2009. Part of me will never be able to leave that day. Not that I'm "stuck"...just that this particular day will always feel frozen in my mind. Holding my first born son whom we dreamt of for almost 10 years as he took his final breaths in my arms. How could a mother NOT feel a part of her frozen in that day. A part of her that passed away with her child. It is such a sureal realization and such a dream-like reality. Some days it just feels too complex to comprehend.
It was my birthday on the 16th. I was too busy to care, and almost forgot my own birthday had it not been for my sweet hubby and family! I just didn't care that it was my birthday. To me, it's just another day. But now as a parent, I realize how special that day is to MY own mom and dad. Especially after losing their twin daughters. And I realized that even though I wasn't up to celebrating the day...I know my parents were rejoicing for the life of their own daughter! And I couldn't love them more! I love you guys!
But I started to think back one year ago to my 34th birthday. I sat by Evan's isolette as usual from morning to night, only leaving during rounds and shift change. There was no place else I wanted to be. I spent my birthday in the NICU as I did every day since Zac and Evan's birth, listening to all the beeps, bings, dings and occasional chaos around us. I sat there thanking God for the best birthday present ever...our sons. Thanking Him for the opportunity to be a mom to our not just our twins in heaven, but to our Zac in heaven now also and to Evan right in front of my eyes. Even though I was so angry at God...how could I not still thank Him?
Yet fear still held my heart because I still had no idea if Evan would make it through NICU relatively unscaved or at all. We knew he was doing well...but he still wasn't even a term baby at this point. He was still based on gestational weeks, even though he was already over a month old. I was still no where near my due date...yet I had been watching my son for weeks already outside of me.
What a precious gift and miracle our boys are. What a precious gift and miracle it is to have Evan home with us! I feel humbled and honored, yet unworthy all wrapped up in to one.
It's crazy to remember Evan one year ago, and now watching him trying to figure out how to shuffle along with furniture that he loves to push around. Watching him cruise up stairs now (yes, he has mastered climbing stairs!!). It blows my mind. Yet I see every day the same determination I saw in him each day in NICU. He has always been a determined little guy who has always known what he wants! He makes me smile and lights up my life in ways I never knew possible.
Yesterday my mom had Evan and my nephew Mason. When I finished errands I went back and it was so fun to watch these guys playing and interacting. But for the first time in a long time...my heart suddenly felt so overwhelmed with that ever-familiar sorrow. Now that Mason is crawling and pulling up on things he is on similar grounds as Evan, and to watch these two crawling around and playing...it made me miss Zac so so so much. I always miss Zac, but there are days now where I can smile more thinking about him than crying...but yesterday took everything in me not to fall to pieces. I found myself wondering what it would have been like to watch my sons playing together and interacting together and screaming at each other. And in an instant...it was back...the bitter reality that I will never know that wonder of seeing my sons together. I will never have that feeling of a little extra pride pushing my twin stroller down the street, or having people "ooooh" and "aaaaah" over both my sons and continue telling me "doubly blessed".
Don't get me wrong...people still "ooooh" and "aaaah" over Evan...and how could they not!!! My son is quite the charmer!!!! :) This morning we went to Broadway Cafe for breakfast and Evan decided to start flirting with an older lady at the table next to us...and it was HILARIOUS!!! He had SUCH the flirt on, and such the grin and giggles!!! It was priceless! Then we walked across the street to Starbucks so I could get my serious coffee (in love with quad grande Americano's now!), and Evan was trying to grab the girl in front of us. I let him touch her arm and he got all shy and flirty again, but then the shy was all gone and he kept trying to "pet" her arm! She was a good sport and her boyfriend was funny too! He said to Evan "hey little guy...she's taken!" and Evan got the giggles! Oooooooh boy, I'm in trouble!! I have a little flirt on my hands who likes older women!!!
I'm glad our open house isn't until 2pm this afternoon and only to 4pm!! Evan has been able to go down for his morning nap, but I fear that we will have to make him miss his afternoon nap!! :( That makes me sad, especially since he didn't have a nap yesterday afternoon. HOWEVER, he had a really good sleep lastnight, so that was good! (thank you Danielle for the prayers last night!! They worked!!)
But I hope that we will get to enjoy the AMAZING weather anyhow! Evan LOVES going for walks regardless of how tired he may be, so we might just head down by the river and stroll. And it will be a good workout for me!!
Well, I suppose I should go and get a couple things re-straightened before Evan wakes up! I reeeeeeally hope he has a really good nap!! So far so good!
CROSS YOUR FINGERS THAT WE GET A BITE ON OUR HOUSE FROM TODAY'S OPEN HOUSE!!!!! There has been good feedback, but no offers yet. I know it JUST listed and today is our first open house...but we REALLY need it to sell quickly!!!!!


  1. Oh friend! I also am thankful for your birthday--how else would we know YOU? And Evan and Zac and their brothers??? Glad you were celebrated! Happy belated!

    Hope the house gets a taker! I'm sure it is beyond frustrating being in charge of your house but not really because you are at the whim of anyone thinking about buying it! Prayers it goes quickly!
    Lots of love friend!!!!

  2. Hugs! I often have the same feelings my two boys though they were not twins. Happy Birthday.