I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Self doubt...it'll get ya every time!!!

Evan - April 22, 2009. Day two in a sleeper!! I LOVED this one and nicknamed it the "jailhouse" sleeper!! Evan a couple of weeks ago. I can't be doing THAT bad, can I?! I have a moment, so I figure, why not write something? But for the first time ever...I don't know what! I have nothing specific today. There's a forever swirling chaos of thoughts going through my head, and I usually know what I want to "talk" about...but today...I'm just on autopilot for some reason. I did catch myself beating myself up this morning thinking I'm hindering Evan. In the sense that I stay stuck in this preemie mode...and not "allowing" him to grow up! I say this in the sense of FOOD of all things!! Evan loves to eat, don't get me wrong! But I'm still confused as to...okay, he's 13 1/2 months, but corrected to almost 11 months so he should be "here" at this point...and blah blah blah. I realize that I'm still in this pureed food phase. OK granted, after Evan had the flu in March he went in to reverse and chunky textures made him gag and inevitably throw up...but it has been a while since then and I keep "catering" to the IDEA that he MIGHT be put off by texture...when in actual fact I'm probably hurting things by keeping him from what COULD bother him instead of letting him figure things out on his own. I watch other kids his age (actual age) and they are chowing down on table foods of all sorts...and here I am with the mush for Evan. OK, I'm not all THAT bad...I do let him explore and figure out things by placing items on his highchair tray and letting him decide what to do with it. Except it usually ends up in my dogs mouths!! I never thought I'd question myself so much as a mother (my mindset before having Zac and Evan), and thought I'd be this secure, stable and unhindering mother who wouldn't hold her child back. And now here I am...INsecure, UNstable and hindering my child!!! And this morning I felt like a failure! I felt like it's ME that is the reason for anything that MIGHT go wrong. I'm so stuck in the fears of the past and all that we have gone through, that I can't find the brave in me to get it together and allow my son to figure out life! Don't get me wrong...it's not like that in every area. Just the food for some reason!!! Which I find very bizarre since I've always been so focused on allowing Evan every opportunity to GAIN GAIN GAIN!!! I guess I feel lost as to what I should be introducing, how, and where things go with his bottle. He still has 3-4 bottles a day anywhere from 6-9 ounces at each. In my fear of not wanting to screw things up...I feel like I am!! I feel the doubt in myself, the uncertainty, the questions I never thought I'd ask of myself!! Yet I know I am a stinkin' good mommy! I KNOW that!! All I have to do is look at my son and watch him cruising around and climbing stairs and pulling up on everything and trying to be brave and stand between things. And yet here I am...comparing him to other children. Instead of just looking at this AMAZING MIRACLE of a child who went through so much to get to this point...I'm questioning myself. Shame on me! BUT on the other hand...I am now SEEING these traits in me and the things that I DON'T want to do...so I guess that's good that I can self-identify that so I can stop and make the changes!! And I have been the last week. I've been letting Evan taste what we are eating, provided it isn't spicy, and even found out that he LOVES lemon chicken rice soup!! Who knew!! And I guess that's what I have to keep on doing. He is big in to Cheerios with whole milk, but usually sucks out the milk from the cheerios and then I find the mountain of cereal ON him! This morning his face was covered in milk! It was quite hilarious! I guess what I have to focus on is that I'm doing the best I know how...and Evan is growing, thriving, developing, learning, laughing, loving, smiling...and even throwing temper tantrums all at the "right" times!! Yesterday he had THREE proper tantrums! Except I LAUGHED!! Whoops! OH, I think I mentioned that already! I have to learn to be BRAVE and SECURE and SURE of myself!! To look at this precious little child and KNOW I am doing good! Of course I will always question myself and have moments of doubt and uncertainty...but he is doing GREAT!! And I'M doing that!!! So, pat myself on the back! Anyhow, I think that's all for today. Of course, it's just a snippet of what goes through my mind, but for today...it's enough.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you thank you thank you for this blog. I have been feeling the same way... stuck in preemie mode. And also about food! LOL Also, we're starting Kindermusik tomorrow and I am soooooo freaking out about her being around other kids.

    We preemie moms think about and fear things so many other moms just don't think twice about. (((hugs)))

    Anyhow, it really made me feel better to read that I'm not the only one stuck in preemie mode sometimes! Love ya girl!!