Climbing boxes under the table
Evan's first visit to the weir on our walk by the river yesterday. SOOOO beautiful!!
Evan in his new big boy car seat!!!! LOVES seeing the world whipping by!! And I get a kick out of getting to see his face now!
So at Evan's last couple wellness checks at my doctors she has heard his heart murmur, but was surprised that he never had an echocardiogram while in NICU. He had this murmur throughout his 66 days in NICU and apparently it wasn't of concern not to do the echo. It was always termed an inncocent murmur because it would come and go.
My doc wants to follow up and have the echo done just to cover all the bases. I appreciate that, yet the other part of me just is SO TIRED of feeling like nothing will ever be normal.
I know most murmurs are innocent and nothing comes of them. My brothers and I were born with murmurs. I'm the only one that has Mitral Valve Regurgetation...but it's not a daily concern. So I KNOW that it could very well be nothing for Evan...but I don't know if I trust being able to say "I'm sure it's nothing" or "I'm sure everything will be okay"...because whenever I say that...the floor falls out from under me.
I found myself thinking yesterday, when will I get to stop living a Job life and finally be able to enjoy the life I have been given? When will we ever feel "safe" and "sure"? WILL we ever feel safe and sure? And especially knowing that with preemies (especially with how early Zac and Evan were) things often creep up over time. So that is always looming over my head.
Up to today I've lived in a relatively niave world believing that nothing will ever creep up on Evan...but am I just setting myself up for a fall? I don't know anymore. Not that I'll live every day with wondering "what could happen today". It's just hard to be faced with things that you think you are "free" of.
I know my doctor said not to worry and that she is just doing this as procedure...but WHY do it if there really wasn't anything to worry about? Or maybe "worry" is the wrong word. Maybe "concern" or "ruling out". I don't know. I don't know anything any more.
My problem is...I have no idea how to pray anymore. With all the years of our unexplained infertility, with our first loss of our twins, then with all that happened with Zac and Evan...I just really don't know how to pray anymore. I almost feel too afraid to pray some days because I'm scared that I will feel like an idiot in the end if things don't work out as I had "believed" or "claimed". And then this sets me up to sound like I have no faith, which could lead to why things don't get answered the way I prayed, which sets me up to look and feel like a failure in my faith, which makes me angry because I am just so very confused on HOW and WHAT to pray for anymore. I've just gotten to a place where God has it all lined up the way He has planned anyhow, so what's the point of praying for MY desires if it's only going to lead to heartache?
WOW...do I ever sound synical and totally faith-scarred. I don't mean to sound like I DON'T pray...it's just my prayers are so unbelievably shaky and weak because I'm still so broken.
So this is why I'm asking those whose prayer life and faith are a bit more strong than mine right now to just lift Evan up in prayer and bring us some sense of peace once the Echo is done knowing that everything is fine.
But I can't say that I'm sure it will be fine and okay...because I DON'T KNOW THAT!!! NO ONE knows that!!! So please don't say it to me. Just say you'll pray.
On a different, more up-beat note...
Evan and I had such a great afternoon yesterday! I had to run an errand downtown, and Starbucks was right across the street and I hadn't had my daily coffee dose yet, so I got a coffee and then Evan and I packed up again and drove and parked down by the river and went on a nice long walk in the sunny afternoon. Evan saw his first Canadian Geese and the weir and the river. It was so fun, and he had such a good time. He LOOOOOOOVES going for walks...which is definitely beneficial to me!!
But by the time we got home it was already time for him to eat. And so he missed his afternoon nap. Oooops! But at least he was in good spirits. He ate, played for a while and then went to bed early. Ya, that meant one early rising bottle, but then back to sleep until 7 this morning. Which after our last couple nights, this was a treat for me!
Anyhow, I better sign off. Evan is at the tail end of his nap and then will be ready to eat. And then I hope to pack him up and walk over to the bank and Starbucks (of course) to treat myself to a Quad Grande Americano. YUMMMMMM!!!!
Thanks for reading, thanks for caring, and thanks for praying!!