I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

More then and now with my little man...

Teeny tiny little bean
On April 26, 2009, for the first time ever, I was able to start nursing Evan. Wow, what a day that was! Evan started walking behind things two days ago. Pushing ANYTHING that isn't glued or nailed to the ground!
Someone is mighty proud of himself!! And so are we!
Wow, time just keeps flying. It's insane to watch my little guy walking behind things now. And trying to climb up on the couch.
Insane to think that one year ago April 26/09 that was the first time since my boys were born that I was FINALLY able to start nursing Evan myself. Insane to think that it took over a month to do what most mothers get to instantly do with their baby after their birth. I remember that day feeling so..."wow" is the only word that comes to mind. And yet, as I nursed Evan, my emotions over came me and over took me.
It was beautiful, and heart breaking all wrapped in to one.
However, I was SOOOO fortunate to be able to do this with Evan. Lots of preemie mommies don't get the opportunity to nurse their baby. So I felt very fortunate.
Things are still going slowly with the sale of our house. I guess we just believed that it would go quickly. However, it has only just been 2 weeks...but that's how quickly we had hoped it would go!! Ah yes...the ever familiar "don't go in with high expectations or you just come out with egg on your face" feeling has returned.
I just really want it to sell. I hate this inbetween stage. Hate never knowing when I'll get a call for a viewing and when I need to race around like an insane person tidying up and sweeping, vacuming, mopping, dusting...over and over and over again. Packing poor Evan up for yet another mad dash, and packing up the dogs. All for a 10 minute viewing that without fail falls within Evan's nap times. Except for last night. We had one at 7pm, and that worked out pretty decent for Evan's schedule.
And yet...no news. No bites. No nothing. DARN!!
I need to start to feel settled already. I need to start to feel like I MYSELF have a routine and some normalacy to MY OWN life. I'm tired of this game and don't want to play any more! I KNEW we should have listed a while ago!! I KNEW it was going to take time!! Oh well, it is what it is, so no sense in crying over it.
I'd say lets just pack up and move in to the new house and then I couldn't care less when viewings were held, but there are still important things that need to get done in the new house that are holding us back with that thought.
UUUGGGHHH...I'm getting tired. I AM tired. Yesterday my heart was racing all day, my stomach was turning, my joints were aching beyond belief and my back was getting occassional spasms. Fun. No, not getting sick. Just getting really run down.
It's beyond just the moving. It's the past 3 years of my life. It's all building up.
I miss my babies that are no longer here with us. I miss being pregnant and feeling relatively confident I will never experience a non-assisted pregnancy. I miss my six remaining frostie babes that live at our Calgary fertility clinic, and wondering if any of them will produce a sibling for Evan here on THIS earth!!
See...I'm tired.
Evan is peacefully napping right now. I love watching him sleep. Lately I'll sneak in to his room just as he is beginning to stir and will lay beside his crib on the floor, and once he starts waking I'll peak over the edge...and my heart explodes as he focuses on me and gets this silly grin on his face and sticks his hand out between the crib slats and reaches for me. It gets me every time.
Yesterday he was looking at himself in the mirror, smiling and waving. And it was adorable and precious. And yes, my heart ached. I wish he could be waving at his brother. I wish he and Zac were waving at themselves side by side in front of the mirror.
Yet, it will never be that way.
I am forever, eternally grateful for my sweet Evan. To GET to watch him waving at himself and being silly in the mirror. To GET to listen to him jabbering, or humming to music and listening to him copy the sounds of animals. To GET to watch him grow in front of my eyes. To GET to hold him.
I am humbled and honored. And broken for the many dear friends who I have come to know whose little ones are no longer in front of their eyes, or in their arms. My heart aches and breaks, and my soul cries out for them.
I've come to realize, YES, we have eternity. But it doesn't stop the aching here on earth. I don't know if it ever will. And I find myself wondering what heaven will be like when we are reunited with our three other children. Will they call my mommy? Will they know me? What will they look like? How will they be? So many wonders.
But today I don't have to wonder with Evan. He calls me mamma. He knows me. I know who he looks like. I know how he is. I have many wonders about his future and his life and the man he will grow to be...but he will always be my miracle. No matter what, I will always be proud of him. I will always love him. I will always hug and kiss him. I will always tell him how grateful I am to his mommy. Even when he's 50!
And for today, instead of wondering about the future and what it holds...I will be thankful for what today brings. I will be thankful for my family and the friends who have stayed by my side. I will be thankful for the odd email or phone call saying "I'm just thinking of you today".
Today I ran in to a sweet friend whom I used to work with. We've stayed in touch. She stayed by my side through the loss of Jack and Ethan, and then the loss of Evan. She would come and visit and just sit by my side and let me cry if I needed to cry, yell if I needed to yell, and helped me to laugh...because I NEEDED to laugh. After I saw her today and we had our quick visit outside Starbucks (yup...needed my Americano!! GEEZ, I should just buy an espresso maker!!) I just felt my heart light up. Just seeing her sweet smile and planning to get together with her was exactly what I needed today.
I adore you my sweet friend! Thank you for always being by my side, no matter if it was through dark times or laughter. You have made a difference in my life! And I'm grateful to have you in my life!!
Well, I suppose I should get going and check on my sweet little peanut. He is having a good snooze...which is awesome for him! I like when he can have a normal day! Then lunch time, and off to drop off income tax stuff to the accountant. Yaaaa, NOT the best thing to forget to do!!! Nothing like last minute!!!
Praying for the many whose hearts hurt today for various situations.

1 comment:

  1. Look at him go!!! He DOES look quite accomplished, doesn't he? :) Praying the house situation goes quickly! That uncertainty causes so much anxiety!

    How did I miss the last post with the park pictures? I LOVED seeing him swing and know very well the feeling of seeing a park and praying for the day that YOU are out there with YOUR little ones...So, so glad you were able to share in that with Evan!
    Lots of love friend!!!!