I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Sunday, April 4, 2010

In these moments...

So Evan is now out of his infant bucket car seat and in to a toddler seat forward facing. He is quite proud of himself indeed! Yesterday we made a trip out to Costco to snatch up some new pj's for Evan and see what they might have for some summer clothes (not much at all I sadly say!). We had a fun mommy-son outing. On the way home I had my Selah CD playing and Evan was busy humming loudly along. I love that my son loves music. I like to think that I had/have something to do with that since I played music for my babies since the day they were transferred back to my uterus! Music is a part of us. I looked at Evan in my rearview mirror as he was jabbering and yelling away and I had to laugh because it was quite the sight. But once again...I was blindsided by the pain of who was missing by his side. The empty spot beside him where Zac's carseat should be. The quietness from that seat where additional jabbering and shouting should be coming from. And in a heartbeat...the tears just welled up in my eyes and the pain hit my heart so hard. I looked at Evan and felt overwhelmed with gratitude to finally be seeing OUR CHILD after 10 long years of pain, heart ache and loss. I was overflowing with love at the sight, and my ears rang sweetly with the screaming coming from Evan in his excitement. But the pain also hit. It will always hit. It's going to happen because it is reality. It's going to happen, because a piece of me is gone from this earth and from my arms. I let my tears fall as I watched to road in front of me. But I also thanked God for the moments with Zac. The gratitude to see his eyes look back at me when he would hear my voice. The love of being able to touch his tiny hand or foot, and to kiss his sweet head. I can never get him back...but I have memories...and as painful as days can be, I can also feel gratitude and love. Later in the afternoon I made a quick trip out to the cemetery just to say hello and have a quiet moment. Brett was home with Evan, so I knew all was well on the home front :) When I got to the cemetery there were three other people there...and it was the mom of twins...Preston did not survive but he has a surviving twin brother and other siblings. And Preston's Grandma and Grandpa were there too. As I sat quietly at Zac's site I could hear Preston's Grandpa telling him how much he misses him and loves him, and then hearing them all say how they would be back tomorrow (today) to visit with him. And again...the tears began to flow as I sat alone (don't get me wrong...I don't say "alone" in a downer way...I go often at my own desire and choosing!) by Zac's grave. It just touched my heart that after 4 years of Preston's passing...his family still makes him such a valid and treasured place in their lives still...if only by dressing up his gravesite and visiting and remembering him. My heart overflowed for them. Especially understanding the special bond of losing one twin. I wanted to introduce myself and share about Zac and Evan...but I just couldn't. I just sat. After they left I went to my car and turned on my Selah CD again to hear "God Be With You" and "I Will Carry You" once more. Those two songs have become so soothing to listen to while at the cemetery. And again...the lyrics washed over me and as hard as it is to listen to them with knowing WHY I'm listening to them...they soothed my heart. I was able to leave the cemetery feeling a bit more revived and just that tiiiiiiniest bit more strong. I always feel like I've been a part of Zac for that time at the cemetery. It doesn't have to be only a sad place. Of course naturally it IS sad...but I'm finding it helpful too! This is my healing process. When we lost Jack and Ethan in '07, looking in my rearview mirror killed me. The 100% emptiness that losing them left me. But even though that spot beside Evan remains physically empty...Zac is always there beside him, and always with me. On this Easter weekend, I think of my many hurting friends through each of their specific and personal situations...and I lift you in prayer. "God be with you till we meet again..."


  1. I recently started reading your blog, and your words are my thoughts exactly concerning enjoying one child while grieving for another. Hugs!

  2. Heather---loving you today and remembering with you. Praise God one day we'll have playdates (or something along those lines?!) with our boys in Heaven!!