I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The cemetery...

Last night I went and hit some balls with my brother at the driving range. I became a convert to golfing after years of marriage to Brett...and now I've become quite the competitive golfer. Don't get me wrong, I'm not great by any means, and I'm often VERY hard on myself on the course...but I actually have FUN!! I love going with Brett and my brothers, because Brett keeps me focused and trying, but my brothers help me to laugh and relax!! So it's the perfect combination. Well, obviously I didn't get out last summer. And I don't think my body would have been too happy with me swinging a club while still trying to not only emotionally begin to heal...but physically as well. Sooooo, last night was rather embarassing!! I did get a couple really good drives, but my arms felt like MUSH!!! Uh Oh!!! Can we say "someone is out of shape!!" Anyhow, after our little outing I told my brother I was going to go visit my little angel and just check to make sure things were tidy around his grave site (we've had some rain and snow, so I always feel the need to go check on Zac). My brother asked if I wanted company. It was nice to have him ask to come. I've never been out there with anyone since Zac's burial. Well, Brett and also my mom. But other than that...I just usually go on my own. Of course, the drive there I was alone and able to shed my tears and swallow that all too familiar disbelief of where I was driving towards, but once we got there...I was actually able to keep it together...outwardly. Sadly, I see that Zac and his other angel friends have a new comer. And my heart broke. My mom had told me that she saw a picture of a little one in the obituary section of the newspaper and it had listed the cemetery Zac is at. As we walked to Zac's site my heart broke to a zillion and one pieces as I saw the fresh mound of dirt with flowers and a teddy bear on top. The grave that until this little ones name plate grave marker arrives is marked only by the tears of his mommy and daddy and family. I know that feeling all too well. It made me so sad to see this. Another new comer had "arrived" in March. His name plaque has arrived. He was one month old before he passed away. But seeing his marker there...reminded me of how sickening it was to have to see my own sons name in this way, yet relieved that now he was marked for all to see his beautiful precious name...ZAC. It makes me sad to think of these two new families who are now faced with the devastating journey of life without their child. With memories all too few and moments all too short. I am a part of a support group that deals with many aspects of life...infertility (primary, secondary), loss, grief, support, encouragement and praise, treatments...it's a wide range. ANYHOW, this morning I read a post of a girl whose friends had removed their newborn son from life support just 9 days after his birth. And every emotion and memory I had of our own sickening task of having to make that same decision for Zac...it all came flooding back. And my heart just cried out to these parents, who now have 4 children in heaven. I am so grateful for Evan. I feel so very fortunate to have him with me every day. I can not imagine one second without him. Even when I have to leave him with my mom for an hour or two...I ache for him because I miss him. It's not always the picture perfect ending. It's not always as simple as it seems to be for so many. I don't want this to be a "dark" post by any means. Just a reminder that so many are hurting. And I ask that even though you may not know of a specific person or concern...when you pass someone on the street...how hard is it to say a prayer of blessing for that person as you pass? They will never know. You don't have to publicize it. Just whisper under your breath "bless this person today"...you never know who or what you are blessing...and just how much of an impact that secret blessing may have on someone. And if you know someone hurting...don't be afraid to ask them if they are ok. Don't be afraid to show up at their door with some kleenex and a cozy blanket to share while sitting quietly outside. Don't be afraid to be a friend who may change a persons day. Don't be afraid that they might actually tell you how they are feeling. Let them. Let them for one moment feel like they are truly being genuinely asked "how are you?" Don't just assume that because you see them smile they must be "all better". You don't even have to bring anything up. Just go and pick them up for a walk or an ice cream cone or something! I must take my own advice. I must learn to live outside of my own grief. I must learn to reach out to friends who may be hurting as well. OK, deeper post than I planned, but I guess it was on my heart. I should go. Evan has physio in an hour and he is still napping!! He is going to need to eat before we go as well, so I fear I must wake my munchin up. I feel bad doing that...but I'd feel worse if he didn't have time to eat. It's already going to be rushed. Yikes. Hugs and prayers to you all.

1 comment:

  1. I do that all the time....just a little, under-my breath and quick prayer for God's blessing on one and the circumstances. I know it makes a difference to me, in doing so and hoping others are doing so for me as well.

    The markers for babies at the cemetery...ugh. So hard.
    Lots of love to you friend!