Thursday, March 26, 2009
Beeps, Bings, Buzzes...enough to drive a person insane!
Yesterday I had a tough time while visiting Evan. Normally I am able to tune out all the beeps, buzzes, bings from the machines around him...but yesterday they seemed so constant, and so very loud. It was enough to make me want to melt down...and a couple of times I almost did. The tears welled up on a few occassions. I couldn't stand it. I just couldn't tune it out and with every beep I felt like my heart was being kicked inside out. I found myself looking over to where Zac stayed, and seeing the empty open isolette. I looked at Evan's face and saw Zac's eyes looking at me. Then in the next breath...there was my precious Evan. Our precious miracle. Our gift from God. And then my heart just couldn't handle all the joy I felt. I was so tired yesterday. So overwhelmed. The nurses say "when Evan goes home..." and my heart and head just don't know how to grasp that idea. I am so excited...WE are so excited to one day hear "he can go home today", yet it feels like that day will never come fast enough. We have been UNBELIEVABLY blessed with 20 glorious low-concern days. Evan just keeps growing stronger and stronger. And has been doing so very well. I KNOW that his brother is cheering him on. I KNOW that he has given Evan the fight to do well. Yet I KNOW that there are still many days ahead where there is the potential of setbacks. It's hard to comprehend that as a typical situation...and we pray against any setbacks. I usually stay with Evan until 5:30 before heading home for supper and then returning after the nurses shift change at 8pm. But yesterday I just couldn't stand it one more minute. I couldn't take all the noise. I looked at my son and saw how wonderfully he was doing...his vitals were wonderful, he was sleeping peacefully. The doctors also did rounds a bit later and the NICU was out of pump kits which I needed. SO, with all the emotions and inner turmoil I decided to leave at 4:30. I got home and there were more condolence cards. I opened and read and cried and cried and cried. I just couldn't handle it anymore. Don't get me wrong...we have absolutley appreciated the outpouring of love and care through cards and words. It was just yesterday was so overwhelming to me. And I think I just needed a really good cry...again. Brett came in from the office and asked what he could do. I wish someone could do something...change things and bring my Zac back. But in the meantime...I just needed Brett to be beside me and let me cry. He is my rock. I don't know what I'd do without him!!!! Without everyones prayers and support. Then on top of it all, I felt like a HORRID mother for leaving Evan the hour earlier than usual. Ya ya I know...I'm not, I need to allow time to take care of myself...I know. But in the moment that is how I felt. Fast forward to today. I did my usual 6am phone call to see how Evan's night was. His nurse was on coffee so one of the other nurses read his chart. He had a good night, tolerated his feeds (as usual...he is a good eater!), and had NO brady's!!!!! That was GREAT news!!! His night nurse had done his bath and weight later than usual so Brett and I missed it. But Evan is now JUST BARELY under 3lbs 2ou!! He gained another 16 grams yesterday. What a kid!!! He is looking so much more like a baby with some meat on him! It's adorable!! I got there just after 1pm today. His day nurse (who I really like!) said they tried to take him off his high-flow air but brady'ed a couple of times so they put it back on. Just still not ready to do it completely on his own. And that's ok! He will soon enough, we know that! And with his air on he was great. This afternoon I got to do kangaroo care with him, and it was AWESOME!!!!!!! I LOVE it!!!!! There is no better feeling in the world!! I enjoyed my day with him today! And all the other noises didn't bother me as much. So that was good. Well, I should sign off. Brett and I are soon going to head back for our evening time together. Evenings are Daddy-time!! It's great!! OH...today Evan is 31 gestational weeks. Tomorrow he turns 3 weeks old!!!!!