I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Snuggle time

Just had to share this picture. It was from yesterday. I got to hold Evan twice during his feeds. The first time as I held him and just stared at him I just started to cry quietly to myself. Thank goodness I was angled away from everyone. I just looked at him and I couldn't believe that I was looking on the face of our son. OUR SON!! My heart once again bounced between sorrow and immense joy. Evan and Zac would have looked a lot alike. They looked so much the same in so many ways.
We have waited so long for this to hold a child of our own. So many frustrations and sorrows. Now loss of a child and the pure joy of a child. There are moments when I am sick with anger and sadness over Zac. It just feels so unfair. Yet Evan is so precious to us. We both just watch him in pure awe! His name is so true..."God is gracious". I will never deny that.
Yesterday was tough for me. I tried to make myself stick around home for a bit of the morning, and then my mom came with me on an errand. I had to call the NICU twice to see how Evan was doing...and only after hearing that he was doing wonderfully was I able to semi-breathe. When I am not with him I feel total anxiety and urgency to get to him. I did get a loving lecture by Evan's night nurse that I have HAVE to take time for myself and rest! That so many c-section mom's in NICU get sick and just don't rest. It's just SOOO hard!! I can't stand being apart from him for a second.
So I called again this morning at my usual 6am time to get his night report. He only had one Brady episode...so that's decent! And he is tolerating his feeds. They are trying to slowly increase his feeds because we want him to start gaining more weight. But the little stinker is SO unbelievably active and squirms all over the place that in my mind he isn't giving himself the chance to keep on the weight before he is burning it off! He is going to keep me on my toes, that's for sure!!
So...for those who wonder what I'm talking about when I say Brady or Apnea...these are two of the most common things for preemies. Since preemies aren't meant to be breathing air yet sometimes they struggle or "forget" to take breathes.
Brady's (Bradycardia) are when the heart rate slows below their normal rate. Usually they can correct it themselves, other times they just need a bit of encouragement. When I see Evan sleeping really deep and notice his chest slowing, I just give his toes a rub and he kicks back in to gear. Brady's are usually the result of apnea.
Apnea is just that the baby brain forgets to send a signal to breathe. This can happen when they are in a deep sleep, or can be from a stressful situation. There are other causes of apnea too.
But Evan's doctor believes that Evan will just outgrow these. He isn't in to a zone where he is having them frequently or severely. So that's good news. He is treated with caffeine!! No kidding!! My son already gets caffeine! I haven't even been drinking caffeine!
We are grateful that these episodes are not severe. If they were he would go to CPAP. More positive pressure air to his lungs. But that involves a breathing mask. My son HATES things on his face! Right now he is on a low dose positive pressure air just through the nose prong breathing tube and he is constantly trying to pull that out! So I pray that his episodes will soon begin to become a thing of the past, and that once again he will have that nasal prong thing out.
So my request is for prayer for Evan that the Brady's and Apnea will become non-existant.
We feel quite blessed with how well Evan has been doing. He is a very lucky baby. Maybe blessed would be a better word than luck. Which in a sense is kind of scary, because we know that even though we are told to prepare for a setback...we just won't be. He has done so well his first 2 weeks of life...that any setback, even if it were the tinniest thing...would set me off.
Please pray for protection and health, and that Evan will just continue to please all his nurses and his doctor, and that when we leave that NICU unit we will hear..."he was a very fortunate baby!"
Man oh man...it's only 8:15am...but I'm just dying to get to the hospital. I'm once again going to try to stretch myself to stick it out until lunch time. Last night I even came home for supper! Normally supper is just brought to me, but I'm going to try to start coming home and then Brett and I come back after 8pm after the nurses shift change. We spend time together, and I read Evan his bedtime story.
I feel like I'm running a mile a second but getting absolutely no where!! I HAVE to do some paper work for Brett's company stuff, but my mind just isn't in it! I have to force myself to focus. Oh what a day when Evan can be peacefully sleeping in his own bed and I feel like our life together is really beginning.
Well, I better get going. The more I avoid what needs to be done, the more grief I create for myself! And I just want to get things organized so I can get to my boy!
Please keep up the prayers everyone! Our Evan needs each and every one of them!! Please pray for me also that I will feel some sense of peace and that I will be able to take time for myself so that I do not become ill. Please pray for wisdom for Evan's nurses and his doctor, and that Evan's "setbacks" will be minimal to none!! I need to witness these continued miracles and through Evan. I need to believe that Zac's passing wasn't for nothing. Please also pray for continued healing to our hearts as we continue to miss our little fighter boy! There are moments where I am just completely overcome by sadness. Pray that this sadness will one day turn to tender thoughts and memories of the son taken from us all too soon.
Thanks everyone!!
Apnea is just like adult apnea...


  1. Awhhh Heather, you look so at peace in this picture. Evan is a beautiful baby & we'll continue to lift him in prayer. I think you said it in one of your last posts, one day at a time...one breath at a time.

  2. Adorable! Heather, you are a natural! You look so happy holding Evan. :-) We are continuing to pray for you and your family. (((((((((((Heather))))))))))))

    Love in Christ,

  3. Heather,
    You look just beautiful holding your son! I know your arms are only half full but I'm praying the Lord will comfort you in this journey! Praying for you often and I'm always here if you need me!