Zac's funeral...

First off, Brett and I were so unbelievably touched by the amount of people who came to honor Zac's precious short life, and who showed us their love and support. I woke up yesterday wanting to just go back to sleep and pretend the day wasn't about to happen. With each minute that approached to us having to leave...my heart broke more and more in disbelief. This wasn't why we were supposed to be going to our church. We were supposed to one day be preparing to have both our boys be baptized together and share in the glory of the day with friends and family. Not be going to see our precious little ones casket! We just kept saying how wrong this was...IS. When I walked through the doors of the church, my heart just couldn't take it. I couldn't breathe. I didn't want to have my feet move one in front of the other. I wanted to rewind everything and make everything better, to fix it all and end it right. Yet, there was not a thing I could do. This is our reality...we had to say goodbye again. And as we walked down the aisle with friends and family standing in love and support with us, I saw Zac's precious white casket. It is so engrained in my mind. I wanted to run to it and just pick him up and hold his tiny precious body one more time. I wanted to smell him again and see his eyes again. But as Pastor Shawn so wonderfully put it...I can not bring him back, but one day he will indeed greet me in heaven and we will be together again. I got to spend 7 precious months with him and his brother in my tummy. I got to know his little personality. We got to know and love him in his short life. We got to see him look for us and know that he knew our voices. I am so tired. But when I close my eyes all I see is our Zac staring at me. I see his beautiful, healed body now. I see every dream I ever had for him. I can't stop the tears. I can't make the pain better. I am so confused and so sad. And then I feel so guilty. Guilty because I need to be strong for Evan. And then I feel so frustrated because I want our precious Evan home. I want the doctor's to put in writing a guarantee that Evan will be just fine and will be home as soon as he can. I want someone to promise me that nothing will go wrong for this amazing son of ours. And I know that people say that God will protect him and he will be just fine...but that was said about Zac too. So what do I believe? HOW do I believe? I too believed that Zac would make it. I know that I have the added issue of hormones raging through my body. But while I sit alone in my house in the rocking chair that was meant to snuggle both my boys, and as I sit and pump to be able to nourish beautiful Evan...I feel so strange. Not only are the boys no longer inside of me...but neither of them is home. And here I am pumping food for Evan with no baby in my arms or home. I try to stay focused on Evan and make sure I am in a good place so that I can relax...but my heart aches. I just want him home with us so bad, but I know he is where he has to be. Yesterday was a very long day. And again, the support of all our family and friends was just so precious. I had done a tribute to Zac, and Brett had created the most precious and beautiful slide presentation. We cried and held on to each other as we heard someone else reading my words and thoughts, and then watched the precious moments we had with Zac...able to at least share that much with people so that they too could know our little fighter. Then close to the end of the service I leaned over to Brett and told him I wanted to help him carry out Zac's casket. Brett was going to do this himself and I was just going to walk beside...but in that instant I knew...I had to be a part of this...I had to hold on to our son with my husband once last time. And I am so glad that I did that. It is a moment I will never forget, and one last thing I could do for Zac. I also initially hadn't wanted to stay and greet and thank people after the service. I thought "how can I possibly hear over and over how sorry people are for us?" And again, with only a strength that God could provide, I stayed with Brett. And again, I am glad that I did. It was a small bit of healing to hear the words of people and to hear the "I'm sorry's". I didn't think it would be something I could handle hearing, but it was very much appreciated. My mind reals as I look ahead to the future. I will always miss Zac and there will always be a hole...and I just don't know how to face that. I know I don't need to do that now, but it's even as "simple" as the day we bring Evan home...Zac will not be there...physically anyhow. I know he will be in spirit. It killed me to be away from Evan for so long yesterday!!!!!!!!!!! I just wanted and NEEDED to be with him!!!!!! Once I was able to sit by his bed and talk with him and read him his bedtime story...my heart again was overflowing with love for this amazing little boy we are blessed to call son. But I could feel the terror of my thoughts trying to rip in to the joy. I do not want to be terrified the whole time Evan is getting stronger. I need to find a way to feel the peace and joy of each day with our little one. But again...I am so terrified at the thought of the "what if's". God has given us the strength to face letting Zac go, for getting us through yesterday, and all I can pray now is that He will continue to give us the strength as we face each new day. Even though I am overflowing with love for Evan, I am praying that I will not be overcome with bitterness for having Zac taken so soon. Can anyone tell me how to deal with such bitter-sweet emotions? I don't actually want an answer...I just need to ask that question to myself. Because right now no answer will be the one I want. Everyone...PLEASE continue to pray for little Evan. Our son still needs everyones prayers and thoughts and support. He IS doing amazing, but there is still so much that could go wrong. And please pray for me, that I would not allow the beauty of each day with my son to be ruined by my thoughts and fears. That I would continue to feel the peace that I feel when I am with him. That I would be able to find balance between home and the hospital. I want to be at the hospital from morning to night, but I still have my husband and our dogs and the daily stuff of life to be here for too. I try to hold off going to the hospital until after noon...but then I stay until quite late at night because all I want to do is watch him. Last night they were having trouble with is one IV line. It just didn't want to stay in place and would shut off his antibiotic each time the line would become occluded. I held his leg as they tried all the tricks they could think of. We know there will be a new line when we see him today, I just pray it isn't in his poor little head again. That breaks my heart when I see that. I know how much those IV's hurt, and I just pray that each time he has the IV moved to a new sight that he won't feel the pain. I was so touched yesterday by Evan's nurses. Friday night we had been visiting with him and I told the nurses as we left to please pass on a message to yesterday's day nurse to please give Evan some extra love as this was the day we had to say goodbye to his brother. I also asked them to say happy birthday to him because he turned a week old at 10:52pm on Friday night. Yesterday morning when I finally got to the hospital, those precious nurses from Friday night had made Evan a 1 week old birthday card!! It touched my heart so much! Please keep checking in to the blog. The journey is not over. There is still much to share. But most of all, please continue to keep Evan and Brett and I in your prayers. Our little family will be going through many things in the days and weeks...years ahead, and prayer is what we need to carry on and figure out our beautiful life with our precious son. It is so strange for me to say that...our SON! We never thought that after all these years we would finally be granted the honor of having children...beautiful children. That we'd ever get to say we have sons! It fills my heart with such pride and joy. Please pray that as I deal with the loss of little Zac and also deal with the raging post hormones of pregnancy that I will be able to keep it together for our miracle baby Evan! Finally, please pray for us tomorrow. Zac's burial is tomorrow morning for family only. I can't believe we have to go through yet another day. But as Brett so lovingly realized...tomorrow marks one week since we lost our Zac. The time of the burial is the time we had made the decision to let his body rest in peace and healing. So in some twisted way...the day is somehow symbolic.