I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Friday, February 13, 2009

Friday, February 13th

Well, here we are...2 weeks in at the hospital! Hard to believe! Yet believing for many more weeks for these little fighters!! I was up at 5:30 this morning and just knew I wasn't going to get back to sleep because I was hungry! Fortunately I had a couple blueberry bagels that my mom had brought so I trecked down the hall to the patient lounge and toasted my bagel and got my fresh fruit and cottage cheese (again, thanks to my mom!). Mmmm, was sooo good! At around 7 I had a tech come to take some blood. I've had no idea what the bloodwork was for, so I asked her this morning and she said the one she was doing was a standard hemoglobin test. Then as she finished up Dr. D came in with a big smile on his face. It's fun and encouraging to watch him come in looking positive, smiling and with a bit of a pep in his step. Huge change from 2 weeks ago! He just said "no news is GOOD news!!" I had told him that I never had a chance to do my gestational diabetes test...I had planned to do that the day I ended up here! He said that's the least of their concerns right now, so we'll do it between 26-28 weeks. And for me not to worry...they are watching me like a hawk! Then the tech came back to do another blood draw. Apparently my OB ordered another one. I again asked what it was for and she said for my ureic (sorry...spelling?) acid, electrolytes and one other standard thing. Whatever, I'm glad they are watching me so diligently! Then the OB covering rounds for MY OB came in. Funny thing is he is an OB that we had been seeing in the beginnings of our infertility journey. Very nice man. Anyhow, he asked the usual questions and then on his way out he patted my leg and said "you are a very brave soul." I don't feel like a brave soul at all. I feel like a scared and desperate mother willing to do whatever it will take to do what she can for her boys. And even then I feel useless!! It's hard not to sit here and feel like somewhat of a failure as a mother to not even be able to have a typical, safe pregnancy. Even though I know this was not caused by anything I did. But you go through one loss, and then to have to go through a scare like this...it's MY body. So of course I would naturally feel like somewhat of a failure. But I know these are lies, and I know the devil is wanting to make me stumble, doubt, fear and loss hope. And I don't want that...so after I had my moment of tears this morning I decided to pick myself up and brush myself off and asked God for an extra dose of courage and assurance. And...He is answering. My mom and dad came up to visit today and I asked them to bring me a Tim Horton's chili combo. I wanted MEAT so bad!!!!! Oooooooooh, did it ever taste heavenly!! Ya...I'm seriously deprived in here!!! UGH! I was telling my nurse today how excited I am about this day-pass thing I'm allowed to do now! She came back in later and told me it's actually 6 hour day passes WHENEVER I want to get out!!!! But I don't plan to be out too much. If anything it will be just going home when I can. BUT, I was kinda bummed to hear that they are 6 hours only...mostly just for tomorrow. I wanted to spend the WHOLE valentines day at home. BUT, 6 hours is better than nothing!!!!! I'll take it! And then I might go home again on Monday since Brett will have the office closed...even though he might still do some work. At least I can be home! After that, I don't know when I'll be back home. Maybe saturday again. It's not like I can handle shopping trips or coffee outings. Of course after all this I want to remain super cautious!! It's just going to be soooooooooooooooooooooo hard coming back here tomorrow night!! Brett is going to have to deal with some tears I fear! But, I know that being here at the hospital is the safest place for the babies...so I'll deal with it. I can't believe 2 weeks has past! And I can't believe how well things have been going, even with our little guys fluid still so low. Tell me miracles don't exist or happen!! Just look at me and my boys!!! How could anyone not believe in miracles...ME most of all!! I've struggled with wondering why we don't often witness miracles anymore...so I guess God is teaching me something...miracles are still a part of His gift. Sometimes the way we hoped...other times in ways we just can't understand and wish were a bit easier. It is REALLY hitting me that with each passing day we are a day ahead for our boys...and a day closer to meeting them! I pray that we don't meet them toooo soon!! I want them to be able to stay cookin' in me as long as they safely can...but still...we are going to meet them sooner than the average person gets to see their baby! It has just been blowing my mind. I'm just so grateful that they have stayed put this long. 25 weeks and a day! Phew! Brett is finally going to go play hockey tonight. It's so funny because we get nervous about him being away from his phone! But I don't think there will be any excitement tonight. But he was going to take his phone to the bench. My only fear is that he leaves it on the bench!! Anyhow, that's the update for the day. My mom is still hanging out with me and now we are watching the valentines episode of Ellen. And my "little" bro is coming to visit too! Sweet! Ashley...I'm praying for you, your hubby and your little ones too! I know how scary things are for you too right now, and I'm praying for you!!!! I hate to welcome you to the bed-rest agony...but I'm here for you!!!!

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