Mon Feb 23

Yesterday was a great day at home! Once again curled up in my own bed with my dogs and watched a girlie movie and fell asleep! It's great! Before heading back to the hospital we went to Brett's sisters for dinner and oooooohhhhhh yummy...home cooked food just doesn't get any better!!!! I texted Brett and told him I saw what I have to choose from for tomorrow's hospital menu for dinner and I almost cried! It's GROSS!! So I've begged him in advance to bring me real food. How on earth am I supposed to nourish myself and my boys from this hospital food. Ooooh, if only I had a little hot plate or something to cook my own food!! And my own mini fridge would be great. But I guess this really isn't a hotel. Ugh! Anyhow back to yesterday. When Brett and I got back to the hospital there were these 3 straps across my bed and a huge machine. I knew it was the NST test machine (non stress test for the boys heart rates), but we were laughing saying that they are going to start strapping me down and keeping me here tied to my bed. Anyhow, we did the NST test. Nothing thrilling, but it's fun to listen to the boys bouncing around and their heart beats. At the end of the test (20 minutes later) the nurse came in and looked at the print out and said "oh, looks like you had a couple of tightening moments". This thing also tracks contractions. I knew that it was because when our little fighter gets in to his stretching mode my lower abdomen tightens up. It's different with him because of the lack of fluid. We must have been okay because my OB didn't mention anything about it today. But I will be getting this test done once a day. My nurse today is really sweet. She's a younger nurse and was with us the first few days we were brought in. She was doing regular heart rate checks this morning with the usual stuff and said "He's still hanging in there hey!! He's quite the fighter, isn't he!" Part of me wanted to panic hearing "still hanging in" because I fear for him...but then I felt strong by hearing "he's a fighter"...because yes! He is!! There are so many people praying for him and his brother, and how could he not be a fighter...he is his mommy and daddies son! He's GOT to have our fighting spirits. We have fought for these little ones for so many years...we aren't going down without a fight. And he has someone very special watching out for him...someone who created him before we even imagined. I can't start doubting God now, no matter how many times I feel weak and afraid. My only option is to trust Him daily. My next ultra sound is tomorrow. I'm a bit on edge because this one is to try to measure our little fighters lungs to get an idea of where things are at for him. I'm praying that tomorrow will reveal miraculous things, but no matter what...this little boy IS a miracle! And we will deal with things as they arise. But for today...he is perfect in every way to me. And his brother needs him...they are a team...we are a team. I also found out that I have to do my glucose test on the 26th. UGH, I'm not looking forward to that one! I am NOT a good sweets person, so I'm not looking forward to drinking that lovely sugar drink. GAG. Oh well...suck it up! It's the least of my trials!! "The righteous cry, and the Lord hears, And delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, And saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:17-18 The Lord never promised an easy ride. Just because we follow Him does not mean we are exempt from trials and heart aches. BUT, He gives us hope. He walks with us through the dark valleys. We know that He loves us, even when we feel like He has forgotten us. I'm slowly learning that even though I may not get everything I ask for...it's not because He doesn't care...it's because He cares so much. I will never understand some of the things we/I have been asked to go through, but I'm very slowly learning that it's up to me on how I choose to deal with outcomes. Become bitter and turn away, or fight for a faith and loving God that has carried me through the worst of days. Just like a parent...would I cut out my own parents from my life if I didn't get what I wanted from them? No. So, what's the difference. I choose to fight, no matter how many times doubt enters my mind...I will continue to fight.