The journey...

Well, I'm new to this blog stuff, but on the recommendation of a family friend I realize this is by far the best way to share... As you, my family and friends know...Brett and I have gone through quite a journey that just doesn't want to end the typical way that so many others seem to get. In August/September '08 we underwent our second IVF round after losing our precious identical twins Dec '07. 6 weeks after our second transfer we were once again blessed to hear we were expecting twins...this time fraternal. Admittedly I was a bit heart broken to hear "twins" again after all we had gone through, but was beyond relieved to hear they each were in their own sac with own placenta. It took me a good 13-14 weeks to connect to this pregnancy. And with every appointment with my OB (who is a highly respected high-risk pregnancy OB here in the city..thank you Lord!) each appointment brought joyful and happy news that things were looking beautifully. At my last appointment she was beyond happy with how things were looking. Then a turn that we never dreamed would happen... Just after 12:10am on Friday Jan 30th I was awoken by the sudden urge to run to the bathroom. I prayed it was just the usual need for one of the many nightly potty visits, but as I stood by the sink I realized I was standing in a pool of water. I prayed and pleaded and begged that I had just had an embarassing accident, but knew better. I called the oncall OB at the hospital and he wanted me in immediately. Tests confirmed that my membranes had ruptured. I had just turned 23 weeks on Thurs Jan 29th...so we knew this was not good. I was admitted instantly and put on IV antibotics to start against the fight of possible infection. We knew infection could mean disastrous results. And we were told the first 48 hours were critical. I never thought I would have this many tears again after '07 but instantly started praying to my Lord and Saviour knowing that HE is my ultimate physician and that no matter what HE is caring for our sweet boys. I felt like Sunday would never arrive...but it came and has passed with no signs of infection or labor. Miracle one! I am still on oral antibiotics, and still infection free and have not had any contractions or cramping. Miracle number two. When we first arrived we met a NICU resident who basically gave us no hope if the boys decided to come early. She said they would make no attempt to revive the boys at that stage. I've never wanted to hit someone harder in my life! How dare someone tell me my boys didn't deserve a chance!! But later that morning the story changed...she came to say the head NICU doctor would be coming to see us and that there were some alternatives to consider. Miracle number three. Although our meeting left us with gloomy outlooks, we were still told that if the boys had heart beats, if it was our desire they would intubate and do their best on a step by step process. Miracle number four. We told them our desire after a day that so long as the boys had heart beats, they deserved a fighting chance! Although we would be also be loving enough to know when to let go if we were so led. We pray that this NEVER becomes an issue we face. On Saturday Jan 31 I was taken for an ultra sound. Our one little boy has lost substantial amniotic fluid, and he is at greatest risk of infection...but he is still moving around lots and heart beat is very strong. Our other boy is totally unaware of what is going on around him...but I keep asking him to talk to his brother and let him know how needed he is!! Our little fighter boy is now breach bum down across my bladder...so when he starts stretching/kicking and moving I am instantly in the bathroom!! hee hee hee. We are holding this little one in particular in our heavenly fathers hands trusting that he can be proof to the medical profession that miracles do exist. Their concern is that his lung compacity will have been compromised...but we know that through faith and prayer our God can provide beyond our understanding. I know for some of you who have never really known the extent of my faith, or do not have faith in God yourselves...this might sound like the ramblings of a religious "unrealistic" person...but trust me...my faith does not take away fear and doubt and the very real circumstances of our situation. But I could not imagine going through this without the love of my Lord. Knowing that whatever the outcome...He will provide for Brett and I, and our boys. We don't understand why we have been brought down another journey...but I believe with all my heart that these precious miracles have such a special purpose and testimony that God is very real, and very loving...that in good and bad...he does not create the circumstance just to prove Himself, but to show his love THROUGH whatever circumstance. I have never had an "easy" life journey...and Brett and I just figured to have finally come to this point of a successful and promising pregnancy that we would breaze through. But God has chosen to stretch our faith and to build us even more in Him. Don't get me wrong...we are frustrated, scared, tired and even angry...but I refuse to become bitter!!! My God is a loving God, and just because of my faith in Him it does not keep me from all the evil in this world...but He gives me hope to stay strong through whatever journey, valley or high time...He is my friend, my constant companion. I find mornings very rough as I don't sleep well, and have to listen to other women on this ward in active labor about to deliver their healthy babies without the fears I face. Thank heavens for Ipods!! Last night was especially tough. OK, I'm juming ahead here a bit...more of my list of miracles within this past week. On Monday Feb 2nd I was woken by three doctors going over my "case" and one of the OB's who is a partner in my OB's practice ordered steroid shots to begin on Wed Feb 4th. I wanted to jump up and hug and kiss here...Miracle number five! No one was offering me this hope. This is not offered before 24 weeks as it is not beneficial to the babies. But when I heard I was being given a day early of hope to start the shots I was out of my skin in praise to my Lord! It was the best news ever to me in all the gloom and darkness. At 3:30am on Wednesday morning I was WIDE awake and knew I wouldn't be able to sleep until I got that first shot. My nurses have become accustomed to my wierd sleepless pattern and I've been dubbed the "insomniac girl" :) At 3:45am I was buzzing my nurse and asking her to do the shot...which she did. I've never been more grateful to receive such a big needle in my muscle!! She warned me the shot makes people hyper...but I was OUT COLD after she was done!! I was just so very relieved. However, I learned later that day that I would receive a second shot exactly 24 hours later which meant...I had to be up by 3:45 this morning!! hee hee hee. OK, I may have tried to show more patience had I known that at the original shot. But whatever...I was up anyhow!! Again relieved to have that second shot. They will do another series as the boys get older (around 27/28 weeks) provided they are still hanging out inside mom!! Another miracle (number 6 in my week) is that I have hit the 24 week mark today. Medically speaking my boys are "viable" and survival goes from 10% upon first arrival to now 40-60% survival. There is of course still concern about mental and physical development stats...but again...that is the medical stats. I know a Greater Statician!! Again...every day these boys hang in there is another day of growth and another day of better (although still a long road) success. This morning I really struggled after talking to my OB's resident. My OB was in and all she said was "another day off the calendar...lets keep going!" But of course the resident has to come and add all the medical jargon saying he was sorry to have to overload me with all the extra stuff..and "knock on wood". He is a sweet person, but still has that medical part that fills me with dread when I hear of the risks to one or both babies. So on top of my sleepless night, I had to once again face listening to all this stuff on my own. And that is getting tiresome. I should ask him not to come until Brett can be here to take it all in with me instead of me having to retell the jargon. I called my parents early this morning, and they were soon on their way. Brett tries to get work done in the morning so he can be with me in the afternoon. We were supposed to have a NICU tour yesterday just to be prepared and aware, but they had an emergency so we are hoping to get down there today...but it's tough to schedule anything with an intensive care unit. I just keep taking the delay as God letting me know we don't need to go down that path just yet. So Brett is "on call" today. It's tough for him to be my rock, keep the business running (thank God for a wonderful employee that we can trust with things!!) and taking care of all the house things. I hear my niece has been recruited to help with laundry...so thank you Morgan for your help!! I am blessed and grateful for the friend and family support through visits and emails that have been sent through the hospital! The flowers have also added some cheer to my little room. I've been blessed to be given a private room, which is WONDERFUL!! For the prayer support of those through church, family and friends...I can not thank you enough. Those prayers carry me through each day, and mean the world to us and our sons!! Please keep them coming!! Thank you to the elders who came from church to pray over me and the babies! Those visits have brought much comfort and support in such a scary time! I can not be more grateful for my parents who sacrifice (although to them is no sacrifice at all) their days to stay by my bed with me to help keep me sane. When this all took place my mom was stuck in Texas and couldn't get home. My dad took over...and dad...your wee girl thanks you for the showing of tears and "weakness"...I know I am not the only one! And even though you used to pride yourself on the Scottish front of showing no emotion...as you say...your wee girl has broken you...and that is a good thing! My mom has been my daily companion and her friendship and love and support has been beyond loved and cherished. My wonderful husband who watches my tears daily is my rock and my comfort and support. We have been through 8 years of wonder, questions, frustrations, sadness...but he has never given up on me. Never waivered in his love for me and his support has been boundless. I could never have imagined such an amazing gift from God through the form of my best friend...my husband...my forever love! My greatest support comes from my Lord. My human and weak mind can not comprehend the why's of our journey...but I know that great good will come through it all. Even in the times where I feel like I am losing the battle...I feel His hands hold me up and give me strength. In the days, weeks, months since losing our first twins God and I have gone through such a journey...and I refuse to let go of all that we have accomplished. I truly believe that even through this He will use this miracle to touch many lives who never gave God a second thought. Let me say something...God willing as our boys come home with Brett and I...if anyone can question whether there is a God, or that miracles exist...I want you to take a strong hard look at our sons and tell me to my face you no longer believe! I pray that through this time many will be touched in a special way knowing that God can be just as real to each of you as He is to me, my husband, our sons and our family! One day I will meet our first set of babes at heavens gate...and through the knowledge of the grace I have been given through God's own sacrifice of His own son's death on the cross and rising from the grave...I KNOW that my life is all for not! And the same goes for each and every one of you! Again, I'm sure their are some of you just shaking your heads...but let me tell you...I pray for each one of my friends and family daily. I pray that sadness in this world does not sway you from the love of God. The sin of this world and the tough times we face does not mean that God "allows" this to hurt us. That is where sin has brought our world...but God gives us hope through it all. I pray that you find this true one day! And for those of you who did not realize my faith...I regret keeping it hidden...but now you know! Although I'm still the same goofy Heather that you know...but now you know me a bit deeper. One of my favorite bible verses since our IVF journey (which is a whole other story) has been Exodus 14:13,14... Don't be afraid. Just stand where you are and watch and you will see the wonderful way the Lord will rescue you today. The Lord will fight for you. I cling to that! Please continue to pray for our precious miracles. Specifically that infection will continue to stay away as well that I do NOT go in to labor anytime soon!!! Pray for strength for the boys, and for Brett and I and our families. Pray that I will not be overcome by dark thoughts and will stay focused for my babies. I pray for each and everyone of you too and thank you for your love and support!!!! I will try to keep this updated, and sure I will as I really have nothing else to do!! I'm on bed rest, but am to get up for short walks to ensure no blood clots occur. Please also pray that our ultra sound on Monday (9th) will not bring hard news...but that the medical teams jaws will drop in awe!! I wish I was getting to post a typical carefree pregancy update...but I pray that the story of our babies journey and our journey will bless each of you in a special way!! Thank you to everyone!!!! Much love, Heather, Brett and their miracle babies!!