Saturday, February 7, 2009
It's crazy how quickly the emotions change sitting here pinned in this hospital room. One moment feeling peace and hope...the next facing daunting decisions and the unknown. Yesterday was a down day. I was so drained with all the decisions we are facing, and wanting the very best for our boys but having that never ending "what if" feeling. I am sad that I don't get to carry out this pregnancy like I dreamed. Sad I don't get to proudly walk around with my ever growing belly. Sad that I am apart from so many even though I am right here in the city. Missing my dogs immensely! Missing the dream of what we thought this pregnancy would be like. And angry that I face each day with uncertainty instead of the blissful joy of a "normal" pregnant woman. I don't understand the why's of this journey, but I have to keep believing that this story will end in a miracle beyond medical understanding. I know we are in for a long road...but I just keep praying that we just make it through another chunk of weeks to keep increasing the chances for our precious boys. I am just waiting for my nurse to come and do the usual temperature (to watch eagle eye of any infection), blood pressure and to hear our babies heart beats. That is the best part of my day...hearing them! Yesterday the boys were very active. Especially our little one that has no idea of the danger his brother is in. He was kicking and punching aaaaaall day. We have our next ultra sound on Monday to check on our little fighter and see where his fluid levels are at. I keep praying for such a miracle as to see that he has enough fluid for his lung development and praying that we will receive some good news through all the darkness. We keep trusting God for His perfect plan to be unfolding, and we know that however it does...then is has been completed. I pray that both boys are born with little affects and will carry both mine and Brett's stubborn fighting spirits. I wish every day that I could reverse time and NEVER have had to experience this. I stare out my hospital room window and imagine myself walking down the street with Brett while feeling the boys safely inside me. I keep thinking...right now I'm supposed to be getting their room ready...not wondering how the room will now end up. I'm supposed to be getting meals ready with my mom to freeze to help up through the next couple months so I didn't have to worry about cooking while carrying on the last couple months of this pregnancy. So many dreams that I had. So many dreams that I still have, yet am scared to allow myself to cling to. I am feeling numb today. Feeling lost. Yet, I know that God is continually providing the hope and strength that I need. I just wish the human spirit could be as strong! I am so very scared for my boys. Every day IS a milestone and miracle...but every day is a day closer to the inevitable arrival of their oh so very early birth. I pray for the strength that they will need to fight and stay with their mommy and daddy. That their pictures will make the wall of miracles in the NICU! Please continue to lift us in prayer. Please continue to pray against infection for me and the boys and that labor and cramping will not come in to play for many more weeks! I thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers!