Saturday, February 14, 2009
Saturday, Feb 14...Happy Valentines Day
well, I am anxiously awaiting my escape from the hospital...even if it's only for 6 hours. Better than nothing. I can hardly wait to see my dogs!!!!!! And my home!! And my razor for that matter! I want a shower in my own shower and to finally be able to shave my legs!! hee hee hee. Last night was tricky. My newest neighbor (our rooms are connected by a shared bathroom) was in labor...and for some reason it really messed with my head. I'm used to hearing women walking the halls groaning in agony...but so far none of my neighbors have been in that position. I found myself crying some tears as they were in the room talking and laughing about how funny it was when her water broke. I wished I could have laughed when mine did. I wish this was just a matter of Brett and I sitting in my room just waiting for the little guys to make their appearance a bit more full term than this. Instead we sit here happy about another uneventful day, and just planning to make it through the next day. I guess my mind is starting to feel a bit attacked by thoughts of sadness and frustration for what has happened. The reality of the boys early arrival is bitter sweet. I think about how I won't have the chance to see them after the doctor takes them from my tummy, and laying their while Brett runs to take pictures of them in NICU and waiting to see them on the camera. It makes me really sad that the first time I will see them is on a digital camera. I wonder if we will even hear them cry...or if they will be too tiny/weak to make those sounds every mother dreams to hear of in the delivery room. It's hard to realize that this birth is not the typical birth that normal women are so blessed to have. I know I'm not the only one who has had to face this...but right now I feel like it. It's probably getting to the right time to ask the NICU liason if she could introduce me to a fellow mother who has gone through this. I worry about our little fighter, wondering if his being inside me with low fluid is worse than if he came early. But then I worry about our other little guy who is doing perfectly inside...what will the affect of the early birth have on him?! The mind is an evil thing some times. There are days where I feel like I have complete confidence that things will work out...even though with a hard road. And other days where I feel so small and weak and helpless. I feel very very helpless. I don't understand the reason for all of this...or if there even is a reason. I pray that someone is being encouraged through this blog, and that God is using my experience to give others some hope and consideration to who God is. I'm not mad at God. I'm frustrated...and He is expecting that. He's big enough to deal with my frustrations. And I know that He is wiping every tear that falls from my eyes. Somehow He is providing the strength I need to make it through each day. And he has given me such an amazing support system to help us through this. Brett being the biggest one. There are no words sufficient to describe what I feel for Brett. He has been so strong, and so encouraging, loving, supportive. He is everything I need, and is the most amazing friend and husband I could ever dream of. For all we've been through this past 7+ years hoping and dreaming for a family...the bumps could have been enough to tear a couple a part...but he has never waivered. He just formed more strength for me. And through him I've been able to find a strength in myself to face the challenges that have come our way. We've both sat baffled and frustrated that no doctor has ever been able to explain why we hadn't been able to conceive. We are termed your true blue unexplained infertile couple...no medical reasons. And I guess the comment of "we don't know" throughout our journey has been a thorn in both our sides. That is what has frustrated us the most. Then to go through a miscarriage with unexplained reasons. And now to have dealt with premature ruptured membranes with "it can just happen without a reason" as an explanation...makes a person want to scream. BUT, we keep on trucking. We have questions we want to ask God. And I'm sure He is expecting it. We just both hope that for all we've been through that SOMETHING good comes out of it...as in we hope our story can be of help to others to give hope and encouragement. It can't be all for nothing! We pray that this journey we are on now ends happy, and that both our little fighters soon come home with us. We know we are in for a long haul once they are born, but I can't give up on hope that somehow this medical team will be in absolute awe over how quickly they recovery and start to gain strength and weight. I have to have that be my focus and my prayer. We are so grateful for our family and friends who have been so instrumental in supporting us through prayer and through gifts for me here at the hospital to help me keep my sanity!! Your gestures are more appreciated than you know!!!! I am thrilled to be allowed "out" on these 6 hr passes, yet have a feeling I won't be over-using them. Part of me wants to pretend all is normal and just escape here every day, but I know I still need to rest rest rest for these little guys. It's just nice to know I can take a few hours to clear my head and have a bit of "normal". Are insane asylum rooms painted white?! That's what I've always thought. Let me tell ya...WHITE WALLS will do NOTHING for an insane person!!! Mine are white...and it drives me crazy!!! If it was a nice earthy, homy color...then okay...might not be so bad. I should bring in paint to this room and just close my door one day with a "do not disturb" sign and redecorate this room!! My gift to the next person stuck in here! That would be fun! Oh well, nice thought! Anyhow, on to happier thoughts! Brett is picking me up at 2pm and we are heading home for a while!!!!!!! I am counting down the minutes!!!! I KNOW that when I have to say good bye to my dogs I'm going to bawl like a baby. I'm ALREADY tearing up!!!!!!!! Ahhh, why couldn't this have been the way we hoped and dreamed?! Well, hope everyone has a great Valentines day! Guys...be good to your gals! And gals...be good to your guys!