Fri, Feb 27 - Fun NST!!

Just a quick note... During today's NST test our little fighter boy had the hiccups! It was HILARIOUS!!!! My mom came along with me to keep me company and she started crying and I started laughing. At first I panicked thinking he was struggling to swallow, but I could feel the tapping feeling at the same time of the noises and the nurse told me it was him hiccuping! Now I know what I've been feeling other times!!! It's a distinct feeling with him. With our other little guy because he has so much more room to roam I haven't felt his hiccups. It was a BLAST to listen to him!!!!!! Probably won't be an update tomorrow until the evening. I'm planning on heading home on a pass for the day, so I want to spend my time with Brett and my dogs! :)

Fri Feb 27'09

Well, I passed my glucose tolerance test!! PHEW!!! I was very happy to hear that!! Last night was great! My family came to celebrate 27wks and the start of the 3rd trimester. We had YUMMY Boston Pizza and my sis-in-law arranged a family in-hospital baby shower!! Cindy...that was awesome!!!! It took everything in me not to burst in to tears! I loved the gifts, and still oogle at looking at the gift my younger bro and his wife got us...preemie onesies!! They are so tiny and hard to believe our little guys will fit in those! Wowzers! Last night was so unbelievably special for me. There have been many times I've sat and wondered...will we ever get to have a baby shower?! So it was really awesome for Brett and I! Thank you for that awesome memory!!!!!!

Thur, Feb 26...BIG DAY!!

OK, first of all...I am 27 weeks today and officially in the third trimester!!!!!!!!! WOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Who would have thought it 4 weeks ago!!!!! I don't know how LONG I'll experience the 3rd trimester...but it's nice to be able to know I made it!! I did my 1 hr glucose tolerance test this morning. I just about dropped when I saw a 50g bottle of the drink being placed in front of me. It was 2 paper cups worth of guzzling. I had to drink it all within 5 minutes, so after the nurse left I just poured the first cup full, literally plugged my nose and just chugged that thing back!! Then still holding my nose shut I poured the remainder and again just drank as fast as I could. For a bit afterwards my tummy was churning, but it really wasn't THAT bad!! Then an hour later I had my blood drawn. Now I'm just CROSSING my fingers that I passed!!!! It would SUCK to have to do the 3 hr test! I had my NST test just after 9am today too. That was nice to get it done so early. The boys did great once again! And thank you Cherie for the lovely surprise visit and keeping me company while I was all strapped up :) I'm chilling out on my own today just to have a quiet day. My family is bringing pizza tonight to celebrate the milestone day so I figure I should just rest up. Again...sleep was few and far between last night. So I can feel the need to have a nap coming on! Although I'm feeling a stronger pull to go downstairs to Starbucks for a short decaf!! So I think I'll do that first! Oh man, I am just so thankful to God for bringing us to this day! I find myself realizing more and more that with each week and each good report I can't help but picture our little sons and wondering who they will look like!! I'm feeling more and more excited, even knowing we may face some more shaky days. But I'm feeling strengthened, and know it is by God's grace!! We continue to pray for precious miracles for our sons and continue to place these boys in God's hands. We know He is watching over our boys!

Wed Feb 25 - late post

Hi all. For those of you who look for my updates and then feel a moment of worry when I haven't posted...I apologize! No need for concern today...just me being busy, then lazy! So I'll do a quick one now! Things are going really good. My friend and her daughter came to visit this afternoon which was WONDERFUL!!!! Thank you Lynn and Camdyn for a wonderful visit!!!!! :) My mom was also keeping me company this afternoon. She got to tag along for my NST test. The nurse who does these tests told my mom that my boys are show-offs because their test results are always perfect! And that normally babies at this stage aren't so cooperative, but mine have been awesome!! And after todays test results...another perfect reading! THAT'S MY BOYS!!!! Proud momma here!! My regular OB was back this morning. It was good to see her!! I was sitting in a chair with a silly big grin on my face when she walked in and she sat down beside me smiling too! She said that she is so happy with the boys growth and weights and that things are still looking really good, and that she is very happy! So we carry on monitoring and going day by day! I can't believe that in 33 minutes I will be 27 weeks and officially entering the third trimester!!! Who would have thought this 4 weeks ago when I was admitted here at the hospital!!! How can I thank God enough for this amazing miracle!!!!!! I am unbelievably humbled and awe-filled!!! Little fighter boy has begun to reef on my bladder more and more. Especially during the night. And then it shoots pain through my back. It's like he's hitting a nerve. Sleep has become very uncomfortable!! But, I'm happy he is moving around!! Tomorrow I do my 1 hr glucose tolerance test. ICK! Praying I pass that with flying colors first time around so I don't end up having to do the 3 hr one!!! OK, here is a crazy story non-baby related!! I woke up at 2am this morning and couldn't sleep (uncomfortable!!) so I sat in a chair and was watching TV. Out of the corner of my eye I could see fire flames out my window. I thought a house across the street was on fire, but as I looked again...it was a TRUCK!!! On College Dr at intersection lights. Right in my view!! And we aren't talking little engine flames, the WHOLE CAB was completely engulfed and the flames were HUGE!! I didn't know if I should call 911, but I saw a few other cars driving by in the opposite direction so I assumed one of them would call. I went to the nurses station and at first the nurse thought something was wrong with me, but I told her to come see something and we watched the fire. The fire dept and police eventually showed up. Did anyone hear anything about that??? I've been wondering if it was reported in the paper or on the news as to what on earth happened!! It was CRAZY!!!! Well, I really better try to get to sleep since I wake up ever hour or two!! I am tired, but again, being so uncomfortable sometimes beats out how tired I am! Thanking and praising God for another miraculous day with our sons!! Thanking Him for strength and endurance for both Brett and I during this time, and our time apart. It's tough not being able to be home sharing all these moments with him. I miss him terribly!! A few hours a night just isn't enough. But we will get through this, and then will look with unbelievable awe at our children that we've dreamed of for almost 8 years! And all this time apart will be worth seeing in to our sons eyes!!

Feb 24/09 - Happy Day!!

Well it's nice to be able to report good news! I decided not to update things until tonight after a few tests we had done. This morning we had another ultra sound to check the boys lung development and to check our little fighters lung growth. This afternoon I had another NST test. While I was in having the NST test my OB came in to tell me the results of the ultra sound. She came in and the first thing she said was "I looked at the results of the babies, and I am very happy with both of them!!" AHHHHHH, it was so good to hear those words!! She said that both are looking good. Our little fighter boy still have very little fluid. I don't exactly understand the measurements but she said they would rather see his levels at a 2, but they are at 1.4, and she said that's really not THAAAT bad. Yes, VERY different with our content boys fluid levels and the norm, but she said that she is still comfortable with the level. Then she went over both boys lung growth. They aren't exact measurements, but relatively close. Our content boys lungs are at a 60th percentile, and our fighter boy's are at a 25th percentile. She said that if his lungs were in the 5th percentile she would be very concerned for his lungs, but the 25th percentile really isn't that bad!! Especially for when this happened and for how long he has gone with little fluid!!!! YIPEEEEEEE, we are happy with those results, and very thankful to God for this precious gift!!! Some people in a "normal" pregnancy would panic if they heard 25th percentile...but we are jumping for joy!!! We couldn't be more happy!! Then she went over my NST test print out and said they are once again perfect!! AHHHHHHH seriously...what a nice change to get uplifting and encouraging news!!! We feel so amazed and SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO blessed!!! What a true miracle!!!! Again...tell me God doesn't answer prayer and doesn't work through all the details!!! I am truly humbled by the way He has been watching over our little fighter boy...BOTH our fighter boys!!! As Thursday approaches (which marks week 27) we feel renewed strength and optimism that these boys will continue to be a witness to all these medical people on our team. We rejoice in each day that has passed and for each day that God will continue to bless us with for me to continue carrying these precious miracles!! We entrust our sons to His care. "I am sure that our suffering now cannot be compared to the shining-greatness that He is going to give us." Romans 8:18 "Come and listen, all you who fear God; let me tell you what he has done for me. I cried out to him with my mouth; his praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; but God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer. Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me!" Psalm 66: 16-20

Mon Feb 23

Yesterday was a great day at home! Once again curled up in my own bed with my dogs and watched a girlie movie and fell asleep! It's great! Before heading back to the hospital we went to Brett's sisters for dinner and oooooohhhhhh yummy...home cooked food just doesn't get any better!!!! I texted Brett and told him I saw what I have to choose from for tomorrow's hospital menu for dinner and I almost cried! It's GROSS!! So I've begged him in advance to bring me real food. How on earth am I supposed to nourish myself and my boys from this hospital food. Ooooh, if only I had a little hot plate or something to cook my own food!! And my own mini fridge would be great. But I guess this really isn't a hotel. Ugh! Anyhow back to yesterday. When Brett and I got back to the hospital there were these 3 straps across my bed and a huge machine. I knew it was the NST test machine (non stress test for the boys heart rates), but we were laughing saying that they are going to start strapping me down and keeping me here tied to my bed. Anyhow, we did the NST test. Nothing thrilling, but it's fun to listen to the boys bouncing around and their heart beats. At the end of the test (20 minutes later) the nurse came in and looked at the print out and said "oh, looks like you had a couple of tightening moments". This thing also tracks contractions. I knew that it was because when our little fighter gets in to his stretching mode my lower abdomen tightens up. It's different with him because of the lack of fluid. We must have been okay because my OB didn't mention anything about it today. But I will be getting this test done once a day. My nurse today is really sweet. She's a younger nurse and was with us the first few days we were brought in. She was doing regular heart rate checks this morning with the usual stuff and said "He's still hanging in there hey!! He's quite the fighter, isn't he!" Part of me wanted to panic hearing "still hanging in" because I fear for him...but then I felt strong by hearing "he's a fighter"...because yes! He is!! There are so many people praying for him and his brother, and how could he not be a fighter...he is his mommy and daddies son! He's GOT to have our fighting spirits. We have fought for these little ones for so many years...we aren't going down without a fight. And he has someone very special watching out for him...someone who created him before we even imagined. I can't start doubting God now, no matter how many times I feel weak and afraid. My only option is to trust Him daily. My next ultra sound is tomorrow. I'm a bit on edge because this one is to try to measure our little fighters lungs to get an idea of where things are at for him. I'm praying that tomorrow will reveal miraculous things, but no matter what...this little boy IS a miracle! And we will deal with things as they arise. But for today...he is perfect in every way to me. And his brother needs him...they are a team...we are a team. I also found out that I have to do my glucose test on the 26th. UGH, I'm not looking forward to that one! I am NOT a good sweets person, so I'm not looking forward to drinking that lovely sugar drink. GAG. Oh well...suck it up! It's the least of my trials!! "The righteous cry, and the Lord hears, And delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, And saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:17-18 The Lord never promised an easy ride. Just because we follow Him does not mean we are exempt from trials and heart aches. BUT, He gives us hope. He walks with us through the dark valleys. We know that He loves us, even when we feel like He has forgotten us. I'm slowly learning that even though I may not get everything I ask for...it's not because He doesn't care...it's because He cares so much. I will never understand some of the things we/I have been asked to go through, but I'm very slowly learning that it's up to me on how I choose to deal with outcomes. Become bitter and turn away, or fight for a faith and loving God that has carried me through the worst of days. Just like a parent...would I cut out my own parents from my life if I didn't get what I wanted from them? No. So, what's the difference. I choose to fight, no matter how many times doubt enters my mind...I will continue to fight.

Sun Feb 22

Well I'm having a much better mental morning than I was yesterday :) I had a great time at home yesterday. I curled up in my own bed with my dogs and slept for 2 hours!! But even then I was uncomfortable. This ever growing belly is making sleep less and less comfortable. But I'll take it!! Before Brett and I went home though...I made him take me to Grainfields! I haven't been there in almost 4 weeks and was going through withdrawal! Mmmmmm, was so good to have food NOT from the hospital "menu". While at home I just totally relaxed and stayed in bed. It was great!! But when I had to get ready to leave OH MY...my dogs started to pout big time! They went to their pillows in the living room and just flopped down and wouldn't lift their heads up! :( That is the saddest thing ever! They sure know how to pull the ol' heart strings! If I'm this much of a sucker with my dogs, can you imagine what I'll be like with my boys!! hee hee hee. I already know the second Brett and I see them they'll have us wrapped around their itty bitty teeny finger!! Those little fingers will hold so much power!! And I'm starting to get excited to see those little fingers and toes! Dr. M came in this morning to see how I'm doing, and she said we will start doing daily NST tests...heart rate tests on the boys to watch for any changes or signals of distress. Their daily routine heart rate checks are always right on target, but this one will do print outs to record changes. She said it will kinda stink for me because it takes time...but hey...time is all I have in this hospital!! And I'd rather listen to my boys heart beats anyhow!! I'm more than happy that we are doing this. It will bring peace of mind to me too!! I'm going to go out on a pass again today! And I think there will be another Grainfields trip!! Not that I've informed Brett yet, but we'll meet my parents for a late lunch. Seriously...this is the only way I'm really going to be able to normally nourish myself! I have to get out of this place to do that!! Thank goodness for the meals that have been coming in by Brett and my parents!! Hospital food and amount they give sure don't offer much for a growing pregnant woman!! What are they thinking?! On our way back to the hospital last night we stopped by the movie store to get me a TV series. On recommendation of my friend I was going to get the Big Love series, but they only had the last 2 discs in of the first season so I'll have to try again. So I resorted to the only series they had that I know will make me laugh...Will and Grace! I love that show! And much to the shaking of Brett's head when he hears this...Jaws was on TV this morning so of COURSE I HAD to watch it...AGAIN!!! OK, I love the Jaws series! They are so cheezy, but remind me of funny things as a kid. I even BOUGHT Jaws 1, 2 and 3...but STILL have to watch it when it's on TV!! Lets just say, I've seen it quite a few times! When I got back to my room I was surprised by colorful balloons and the sofest teddy bear! Thank You Auntie Mayreen and Uncle Tom!!!!! That was AWESOME!!!!! I admit, I kept the bear in bed with me last night! And the balloons have added fun cheer and color to the extremely drab room of mine! I can't believe that almost all the days of February have been crossed off!! I look at the calendar pinned on the wall and see all our X's...and it fills me with such joy!!! Such a humbled attitude towards God's graciousness. He has granted us MUCH needed critical days...and I'm blown away at how things have been going. Even in the down days like yesterday...maybe sometimes those are needed to remind us how much we need to rely on Him not only in those bad days, but the good days too! Sometimes the good days allow a moment of slack attitude towards how much He has provided. The days with dips in them allow us to remember to cling to Him good and bad! I still don't know how this is all going to end...but I know what I'm praying for...and I know that whatever the outcome, God will not have failed us. He has brought us through the darkest, grimmest days since arriving here...and I'm sure there will be a few more of those...but He some how provides us the strength and courage we need to make it through. I never would have wished this...I never would have dreamed that this would have all happened...but now that it has, I can only ask that God will use each day for His glory and to prove that in good and bad...He loves us. He does not create the bad...but He will use it to show Himself to us. And He is. "Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear." Isaiah 65:24

Sat Feb 21

Not much to update. Having one of my rough days with my thoughts. So Brett is breaking me out of this joint for a day pass. And I'm sure being able to spend a day with him and the dogs will help lift my spirits again. Funny how one day you can feel so positive and encouraged, and the next your spirits just feel like they are crashing. It's quite annoying.

Feb 20 - Week three in hospital

So as usual the morning begins bright and early with Dr. D coming in on rounds and seeing how I'm doing. This morning we just chatted briefly about nothing heavy (thank goodness!) and then before he left he said "keep crossing your fingers". Oh boy...thank goodness I have something much better to rely on than just crossing my fingers. A God who knows my boys by name and has a special destiny for each of them. Then Dr. M came in and we chatted for a while. I told her I feel so lost because I don't get any prenatal classes and I just have no idea what to expect, what signs of labor to look for, NOTHING!! So she went over signs to watch for and that helped so much! She said we'll just keep taking it a day at a time, and that things are going really well right now. She said that if next weeks ultra sound shows any signs that we've gotten as much time as we are going to get with these boys brewing in me...then we move forward and prepare for their arrival! WOWZERS!! It's really tough when you aren't a planned c-section and just taking these things a day at a time. I told her I'm just worried that if a situation arose where we needed to delivery right away that Brett wouldn't have time to get here. She said that even in a case of an emergency it will still take them 10-20 minutes to prep me and get the NICU teams in order (each of my boys will have their own team) so chances are that Brett would still have time to make it. The goal is to have him there...but there is a chance that if he were farther than from home he may not make it. That would break my heart because I am going to be such an emotional wreck when they take me and I'm going to be so worried that the boys are okay...and I really don't want to have to deal with that alone. I need Brett by my side. I need his strength right there beside me, and I need to hear his voice and see the assurance on his face. We are a team, and I need him there with me. So...pray that all works out that he will be right there when our sons enter this world! Anyhow...my nurse for the day is SOOOO hilarious!!! She seriously had me in tears we were laughing so hard. I needed that. She came in my room with a huge smile on her face and just said "I am SO excited that you are still here!!!! I am so proud of you!!! I've been off for two weeks, so when I saw that you were still here I just got so excited!! Every day is just icing on the cake!!!" I told her how I was feeling stressed by well-meaning cheers of how long people thought I'd be here for, and that if I didn't meet those goals I would feel like a failure. I said my hope is to make it at least one more week. She just looked at me and said "don't you do that to yourself! You be proud of each DAY you make it through, and then when a new week begins so celebrate the week you just made it through!" Then the funny part. I told her how when our little guy (who is laying across my bladder) moves, stretches or does one of his belly flops I instantly have to get to the bathroom. She said "oh dear...at this point who cares...just pee your pants if you can't make it!" I just about peed my pants with laughter right there!! Then she went on to say "just wait until it's an age thing! I can't even jump on the trampoline anymore, and watch out when I laugh or cough!" Ohhh my word, we were laughing so hard. God must have known I needed this dear soul in my day today to remind me to LAUGH HARD, and laugh well! The boys heart rates are perfect as always. I love hearing those heart beats. They are the best! I feel much more light hearted today, and a bit more strengthened. God has been doing such amazing things through all of this...how could I start to doubt things now just because I'm getting a bit nervous about their arrival!? He has provided us 3 amazing weeks, and it providing us each new day we are blessed with. He knows when these boys are to arrive, and He will take care of the situation and will take care of me and the boys in delivery. He has brought a new strength and closeness for Brett and I...and I couldn't be more grateful. Brett has always been my greatest joy...but it just keeps getting stronger and stronger! He is an amazing husband, and he is going to be the most amazing daddy!!! I can hardly wait to see his face melt when we see our babies! OH MY GOONESS...after almost 8 years...our sons are almost here!

Feb 19 - WEEK 26 BEGINS!!!!!!!

Not a whole lot to update but a wonderful praise report... Today marks the beginning of WEEK 26 with our little guys!!!!! Who would have through 3 weeks ago that we'd be here at this point. There was such gloom to face in the beginning, but God has been so good to all of us! Not much going on. The lab ordered a different type of blood test on me today. The tech came and said "you get a special test!!" Whatever!! All I care is that their result was wrong and my numbers are perfectly fine now!! My mom is chillin' with me today. She's such an awesome trooper and such awesome company!! We are going to head downstairs to the Starbucks place so she can get a coffee and I can treat myself to a decaf!! I have been avoiding anything that might be an irritant...but today I feel the urge to splurge!

Wed Feb 18

Well, it's official...the lab report was wrong on my platelette reading of 78!! They were indeed in the 300's as was last nights follow up blood draw! They did another one this morning just to see what those numbers are like. Dr. D came in this morning and asked if I had heard about the confusion, and I said yes...and the rise was probably because of the Blizzard I had eaten! hee hee hee. He laughed and said not to say that too loud or they'd have to start buying everyone Blizzards! Then of course came the serious tone. Our little fighters fluids are still very low...about 3mls worth. He said at this point it is still a day by day waiting game, but his outcome is uncertain at this point. NICE...just want you want to hear ALONE at 6:50am! But we will continue to monitor for any signs of distress. After he left I just sat there and cried and cried. I'm tired of this. And so very scared for our little bean. BUT, I am still holding on to God for His strength and just knowing that through Him all things are possible. So I pray that our little guys lungs won't have been too slowed down and that he will continue to do well. Our other little guy is perfectly fine. Talk about tug-of-war emotions. My head hurts from it all. But then I decided to keep it together until I spoke with the actual OB. Dr. M came in and said that the boys weights were really great and that they seem to be doing well. But yes, our little fighter does have substantially low fluid. I asked if it was the same as last week, and she said yes...so to me...that's still good news. The disappointing news is he is not retaining any new fluid. I really wish that were the case. She has ordered weekly ultra sounds starting next week. Next ultra sound she will have them check our little fighters lungs/respiratory to see where he is at. Because the rupture happened at 23 weeks there is a strong chance that his lung development has been compromised. Again...praying for a special miracle for our little guy that these doctors will be blown away that there has been no damage or developmental compromise. I also spoke to the GIM doctor who has been following the whole platelette issue...he said they figured something must have been up with my report because it wasn't making sense. I had no symptoms, no bleeding, no history...no nothing. It really had been rising and dipping, but that number of 78 was throwing them off. We'll see how this mornings blood draw went and if the numbers were still high. He also read the results from the ultra sound done on my spleen and liver yesterday, and they were completely normal. I'm hoping to get home for a bit this afternoon. I need a break from the reality of this place. Hopefully it works out. I need an escape day!!

Quick update - Tues, Feb 17

OK, I'm really baffled. I met with one of the anesthesiologists this afternoon. She went over the epidural procedure, side affects, what I can expect...routine stuff. Then she went through IF my platelettes became an issue they may have to put me under general anesthesia...but that's up in the air. Now...this is where I get baffled. She said she was looking through the lab reports, and the report from last night that said my platelettes dipped to 78 had a note on it saying that it had been read WRONG, and that the numbers were in the 300's!!!!! And she said todays blood work showed my numbers in the 300's as well!!! HUH???? So the OB is going to get a lot of questions from me tomorrow!! I'm hoping that she was correct in her reading! I think they may be order yet another test to check my platelettes individually, and to watch how they clump. She said sometimes the numbers may read low, but that the platelettes and clumping are just fine. I did have the other ultra sound this afternoon on my spleen and liver. And how hillarious...the tech doing the ultra sound was a girl I went to elementary and highschool with!!! So we had a bit of a catch up session during the ultra sound! It was actually really fun to have her do it!! And I got another quick peek at the boys and their heart rates again. :) She had me wait while she talked to the doctor, and when she came back she said that things looked fine! Again...will have to wait for the official report...so if the ultra sound showed no inflammation on my spleen and liver then I am dubbed with the "unexplained" aspect of this thrombosis! No surprise there!! So I'm looking forward to hearing everything tomorrow. But most of all, I'm praying that we hear our little fighter has the same amount of fluid, and has not been losing any additional. I'm still beyond thrilled with their weights!! Anyhow, I'm off to bed now. My eyes are heavy. It has been a long day!!

Tuesday, Feb 17

Oooookee...so...my platelette levels from last night dropped again. At 78 now. Which is still okay because it's above 50...but the OB wants above 100. GRRRRRRRRRRR!!! Oh well, it is what it is! So the GIM came to talk to me and said he was a bit concerned because of the dip and had hoped they would keep rising. They are ordering an ultra sound for my pancreas and liver to see if there is any inflamation and to rule out major causes. Whatever. If my levels dropped below 50 I will be put on a daily steroid. If my levels don't rise on that then there is another med that 90% of women respond to. Good grief. BUT, on a good note...I had my ultra sound to check the boys measurements and weights and recheck little fighters fluids. I don't know about the fluid levels...but pray they remain the same...but he is weighing 1lb 11ou and our other babe is 2lbs!! So that was good news!! They've both gained a pound in the past 5 weeks. So...now I just keep praying for a few more weeks...preferably 4 if I could have my way, and then they would be hopefully yet another pound heavier!! BUT, we are thrilled regardless! Little turkey is gaining...I'm praying he hits the 2lb mark well before his arrival! Heart rates were great again, and they are boogying around, so that's good too. I'll get the final report from the OB covering for my OB either end of today or tomorrow morning. My resident OB is setting up a consult with the anesthesiologist today...who happens to be our friend that's on today!!! He already stopped by just to say hi and check in and I told him that he might be sent back on "business" to consult with me about the whole epidural process for my c-section. The OB said that they just like to have the anesthesiology team aware when platelettes are lower. The excitement never ends! I was journaling this morning and just wrote "my book has enough chapters already...I'd love to have some empty pages of just plain for a while". BUT, not to be. So, keep praying for these silly platelettes to go up above 100 and stay that way for the rest of the time. But we are thanking God for the good report on the boys weights!! Wooo hoooooo! Now I just need to keep downing the Blizzards to keep fattening them up! Hmmmmm, or would that just be ME that would get fat! hee hee hee

A picture of miracles

So I got to spring this joint today for a while!!! I headed home from 2-8pm...and it was the BEST again!!!! My dogs were more normal today. I made the mistake of laying in my bed though...ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I miss sleeping in my bed!!!!! It was SOOOOOO comfy! I'm planning my next escape home on Saturday and Sunday...so one of those days I'm going to spend a good chunk of my time laying in bed snuggling with my dogs and watching TV!! Brett took a picture of me today, and I just wanted to share what a couple of miracles look like!! I am 25 weeks 4 days today :) It is wonderful to be able to say that!!!!! Completely by God's grace and blessing! Our little boys are very active and absolutely using my bladder as a trampoline!! This morning one was using my ribs as a kicking toy...ouch!!

Panic and Answered Prayers!

Good grief...talk about ENOUGH ALREADY!!! Last night my nurse came in to "warn" me that I was going to have another blood draw to check my platlettes again. They were low yesterday morning and if they remained low I may require a transfusion! This was for fears of my blood not being able to clot properly. She said it was just talk at that time, but she wanted me to know what they were doing in case no one explained it to me. My heart sank, and I immediately felt defeated again. I couldn't believe I was facing another "glitch". Apparently my platelettes have been doing this all week...down, up, down,up. But last night was the first time I heard about it. So the lab tech came and drew my blood. Brett was with me as it was in the evening, and he stayed and we waited for about 3 hours. It was past midnight and still no one had come to talk to us. So finally I got him to go ask my nurse. She felt SO BAD...she didn't realize Brett was still here with me. She told us my blood work came back and the platelettes had risen again, so they were just going to leave things until morning. Poor Brett! We were both so tired and I was just so overwhelmed in that waiting period. But as the time went on, I realized I shouldn't be angry. I shouldn't be questioning God as to why this was happening. I should be THANKING Him that the doctors have been watching me so closely so as to prevent any really BIG issues! I came to the conclusion that if I should need this transfusion, it was for MY GOOD...not as a downfall. My wonderful brother had also called me with info he found online about this and after hearing what he read...I felt so much better. The issue I face with low platelettes is that because I am a c-section if my blood wasn't clotting properly I could have bigger issues myself! All this time I've been soooo focused on the boys and what could go wrong for them that I never stopped to think about anything regarding myself!! So now I am thankful for such a close watch by my medical team...and thankful to God for having them catch this. This morning the resident came in and said they aren't sure as to why I'm dealing with this. Apparently it is a common thing, but more so at the end of a pregnancy. And I have NO history of any blood disorders, no family history, I haven't been sick, my white cell count is perfect so there is no infection involved. I just laughed...so typical! No idea and no answers to what I am going through! Hmmmm, sounds familiar. So they did another draw this morning to check my hemoglobin levels. Later on the OB on call came in and talked with me and explained that they aren't sure why this is an issue and why my platelettes keep dropping and going up. I told her this is so typical of me, and has been the only consistent theme through our journey...no one ever knows why we've had such a struggle. I'm a medical mystery :) She laughed. She said that I'm classified as idiopathic thrombosis...not uncommon, but not so common so early in pregnancy. And because there is no underlying reason for it, they just don't know why it's happening. She explained that the concern comes in because we know I am a surgical delivery with the c-section and therefore they need to be all the more cautious. She explained that normal numbers are 100 and above, and yesterday mine were 50 and then 63 last night. But she also mentioned that she spoke to the resident before coming to see me and my numbers from this morning were....GET THIS...100!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ummmmm, can we say another answer to prayer!!!!!! That's totally a God thing!!! I've come to the conclusion that should a transfusion become a reality...I'm not angry anymore! I want to be healthy and I need to think about MY safety when our boys are brought in to our world! It was just the initial shock of everything, and feeling like I was being slammed with another valley. But this valley doesn't look so dark now that I understand the importance to my own safety! I told the OB that my goal is to be here still waiting when MY doctor comes back next week...and she smiled and said...you look like that is a very real possibility! Things are going really well! I was really bummed when I heard about all this because I had planned to go home for a few hours today on one of my passes, so I thought I wasn't going to be able too. And now I CAN!!!! I called Brett and just said "PICK MY UP AT 2!!!!" Then told him the news. He was so happy! Oh you guys....my husband is the best!!!! Through this whole new scare he was just so positive and strong and so wonderful! He let me just sit curled on his lap crying and then helped me breathe through the rest of the wait to hear the news. We even did a crossword puzzle! We found it quite funny that we were actually able to do a crossword puzzle only because it was TV and movie related! I absolutely adore my husband!! He is THE BEST IN THE WORLD!!!!!! I am very thankful for this answered prayer, and thankful for a God who loves me that much who would guide my medical team to things that need to be closely watched. Even though we don't know WHY the downs and ups of my platelettes...at least they know to watch them! "Praise the Lord! For He has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust Him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving." Psalm 28:6-7 Thank you everyone for your continued prayers!! God is hearing and answering in wonderful ways! **Update** Just saw a GMI doctor (whatever that is...the blood guy maybe?! ) and he went over things with me. Said that they are just trying to rule out any major causes that could be creating this fall and rise of platelettes. They are going to do an ultra sound on my spleen and liver. He didn't think it was to do with my liver because previous tests have been fine. So they will just check my spleen too, because he said sometimes the spleen can chew up platelettes too. Fun fun. He checked my belly and lungs, and asked me a zillion questions all which gave him no help. I asked him about the possibility of transfusion as mentioned by my nurse, and he said that he wouldn't recommend a platelette transfusion. Instead if my platelettes went down again they would give me medication that would help raise the levels. He said too that if it had been from some viral infection that could be a cause for the dip too. I mentioned that Brett had a cold last week, but I never felt a cold or anything for myself. Oh the joys. Yet another medical mystery! Ugh! But he did say that my platelettes were up to 106 and that was good and in the safe range, but they still want to check to make sure they rule out any bigger causes before confirming me as idiopathic thrombosis...in other words...UNKNOWN CAUSE!! With my history...I'm going with that since everything else seems to be unknown :) 1 hour till Brett picks me up to spring me from this joint for a few hours!!! WOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I can hardly wait!!!!!!!! Better go and get prettied up!!

Sunday, Feb 15

OK, let me just say AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Yesterday was absolutely wonderful!!! Even though it's only 6 hours out of the hospital, my 6 hours at home were the BEST EVER!!!!! The second I stepped out of the doors of the hospital I just sucked in that fresh outside air!! It was GREAT!!!!! The drive home was wonderful seeing the outside world...now if only all the ruts on our street would disappear so the WHOLE way home was comfortable!! Anyone have any pull with the city or someone with a plow! hee hee hee. We drove up our drive way and I was already teary with joy. Walked through the door...saw my dogs, and burst in to tears!!!!! They were so funny! They were careful and almost cautious! I'm used to them being complete nuts when I come home. Those of you who know my dogs and have been greeted by the spazzy gretting know what I mean...but they were so calm!! They must know. I swear dogs know when they need to be more careful! I did a bit of paperwork just for my own peace of mind, and now it's out of the way so I know it's not looming and I have to try to explain to Brett to do. So that was great too! And then there was sitting in my glider chair once again!!!! Another AAAAAHHHHHHHHH. I just sat and rocked with the boys! Brett and I had dinner together and watched an Oilers hockey game. OK...now you KNOW I was just happy to be home! I never watch hockey, but I just didn't care what was on! But then 7:30 hit...and it was time to get ready to come back to the hospital. It was tough! But knowing that this is where the babies are safest made it a bit easier. Brett helps me to remember that all the time. Thank goodness for Brett's encouragement and reminders!! By the time I got back up to my room it suddenly dawned on me how tired I was even from that 6 hour escape! That was the most I've been on my feet in 2 weeks, so when we got back here I realized my back was really sore! Too funny!!!!! And I wasn't even walking around lots! But the boys are growing and there is a lot more weight on me than I'm used too, so it's hard to remember that sometimes! So today I'm just taking it easy at the hospital. I am planning to go home again tomorrow!! I probably won't get a chance to get back until Saturday so I hope to escape again tomorrow. OH, so lastnight I totally missed excitement on my ward!!!! While I was gone one of the nurses had to deliver a baby just a few doors down from me!!!!! It was one of my nurses, so she told us about it! CRAZY!!! The doctor had gotten there just as the babies head came out! So the nurse completed the delivery! Now THAT would have been wild to be around for! This baby wasn't waiting for anyone! But my nurse has delivered babies before. Funny how fast things can happen around here! Brett asked my nurse last night that when we go for my c-section...what happens with all my stuff? Who moves it to the next room? And she said "you are basically responsible for it". Brett just shook his head and said "I'll be throwing it all out the window!" So we've agreed that once we know we are off for the c-section, my parents are being called in to pack up all my stuff. This is the tricky part about one day at a time. You can't plan a thing! And there is a tad bit of stuff to move! But what can you expect...I've been here for 2 weeks and 2 days and the hope is to be here for many more...so I HAVE to have clothes and things to entertain myself with! But now that I can get out on day passes, I can kind of go through things and take home as needed because I'm not 100% stuck anymore. Anyhow, I'm feeling much more revived today, and feeling much more "up". I was starting to really struggle with fears and worries for the babies and it was getting to be too much. There is so much to think about, but I was starting to focus too much on the unknown and creating scenarios that I shouldn't have been. Now I need to focus my attention on staying calm for these boys and being the incubator they need. Brett gave me a good pep talk. He reminded me that instead of thinking of all the bad, start thinking one day at a time that "today their eyes are one day stronger. Today their hearts are one day stronger. Today their lungs are one day stronger" and on and on. That really helped me get my head and mind refocused on something more positive. Thank you my wonderful amazing husband!! You are a wise and strong man!!! What would I do without you!!! As helpless as I feel, I'm doing everything I can...even if that's just sitting here in this room. This is what I have to do to help our boys. So...I will do it!!!

Saturday, Feb 14...Happy Valentines Day

well, I am anxiously awaiting my escape from the hospital...even if it's only for 6 hours. Better than nothing. I can hardly wait to see my dogs!!!!!! And my home!! And my razor for that matter! I want a shower in my own shower and to finally be able to shave my legs!! hee hee hee. Last night was tricky. My newest neighbor (our rooms are connected by a shared bathroom) was in labor...and for some reason it really messed with my head. I'm used to hearing women walking the halls groaning in agony...but so far none of my neighbors have been in that position. I found myself crying some tears as they were in the room talking and laughing about how funny it was when her water broke. I wished I could have laughed when mine did. I wish this was just a matter of Brett and I sitting in my room just waiting for the little guys to make their appearance a bit more full term than this. Instead we sit here happy about another uneventful day, and just planning to make it through the next day. I guess my mind is starting to feel a bit attacked by thoughts of sadness and frustration for what has happened. The reality of the boys early arrival is bitter sweet. I think about how I won't have the chance to see them after the doctor takes them from my tummy, and laying their while Brett runs to take pictures of them in NICU and waiting to see them on the camera. It makes me really sad that the first time I will see them is on a digital camera. I wonder if we will even hear them cry...or if they will be too tiny/weak to make those sounds every mother dreams to hear of in the delivery room. It's hard to realize that this birth is not the typical birth that normal women are so blessed to have. I know I'm not the only one who has had to face this...but right now I feel like it. It's probably getting to the right time to ask the NICU liason if she could introduce me to a fellow mother who has gone through this. I worry about our little fighter, wondering if his being inside me with low fluid is worse than if he came early. But then I worry about our other little guy who is doing perfectly inside...what will the affect of the early birth have on him?! The mind is an evil thing some times. There are days where I feel like I have complete confidence that things will work out...even though with a hard road. And other days where I feel so small and weak and helpless. I feel very very helpless. I don't understand the reason for all of this...or if there even is a reason. I pray that someone is being encouraged through this blog, and that God is using my experience to give others some hope and consideration to who God is. I'm not mad at God. I'm frustrated...and He is expecting that. He's big enough to deal with my frustrations. And I know that He is wiping every tear that falls from my eyes. Somehow He is providing the strength I need to make it through each day. And he has given me such an amazing support system to help us through this. Brett being the biggest one. There are no words sufficient to describe what I feel for Brett. He has been so strong, and so encouraging, loving, supportive. He is everything I need, and is the most amazing friend and husband I could ever dream of. For all we've been through this past 7+ years hoping and dreaming for a family...the bumps could have been enough to tear a couple a part...but he has never waivered. He just formed more strength for me. And through him I've been able to find a strength in myself to face the challenges that have come our way. We've both sat baffled and frustrated that no doctor has ever been able to explain why we hadn't been able to conceive. We are termed your true blue unexplained infertile couple...no medical reasons. And I guess the comment of "we don't know" throughout our journey has been a thorn in both our sides. That is what has frustrated us the most. Then to go through a miscarriage with unexplained reasons. And now to have dealt with premature ruptured membranes with "it can just happen without a reason" as an explanation...makes a person want to scream. BUT, we keep on trucking. We have questions we want to ask God. And I'm sure He is expecting it. We just both hope that for all we've been through that SOMETHING good comes out of it...as in we hope our story can be of help to others to give hope and encouragement. It can't be all for nothing! We pray that this journey we are on now ends happy, and that both our little fighters soon come home with us. We know we are in for a long haul once they are born, but I can't give up on hope that somehow this medical team will be in absolute awe over how quickly they recovery and start to gain strength and weight. I have to have that be my focus and my prayer. We are so grateful for our family and friends who have been so instrumental in supporting us through prayer and through gifts for me here at the hospital to help me keep my sanity!! Your gestures are more appreciated than you know!!!! I am thrilled to be allowed "out" on these 6 hr passes, yet have a feeling I won't be over-using them. Part of me wants to pretend all is normal and just escape here every day, but I know I still need to rest rest rest for these little guys. It's just nice to know I can take a few hours to clear my head and have a bit of "normal". Are insane asylum rooms painted white?! That's what I've always thought. Let me tell ya...WHITE WALLS will do NOTHING for an insane person!!! Mine are white...and it drives me crazy!!! If it was a nice earthy, homy color...then okay...might not be so bad. I should bring in paint to this room and just close my door one day with a "do not disturb" sign and redecorate this room!! My gift to the next person stuck in here! That would be fun! Oh well, nice thought! Anyhow, on to happier thoughts! Brett is picking me up at 2pm and we are heading home for a while!!!!!!! I am counting down the minutes!!!! I KNOW that when I have to say good bye to my dogs I'm going to bawl like a baby. I'm ALREADY tearing up!!!!!!!! Ahhh, why couldn't this have been the way we hoped and dreamed?! Well, hope everyone has a great Valentines day! Guys...be good to your gals! And gals...be good to your guys!

Friday, February 13th

Well, here we are...2 weeks in at the hospital! Hard to believe! Yet believing for many more weeks for these little fighters!! I was up at 5:30 this morning and just knew I wasn't going to get back to sleep because I was hungry! Fortunately I had a couple blueberry bagels that my mom had brought so I trecked down the hall to the patient lounge and toasted my bagel and got my fresh fruit and cottage cheese (again, thanks to my mom!). Mmmm, was sooo good! At around 7 I had a tech come to take some blood. I've had no idea what the bloodwork was for, so I asked her this morning and she said the one she was doing was a standard hemoglobin test. Then as she finished up Dr. D came in with a big smile on his face. It's fun and encouraging to watch him come in looking positive, smiling and with a bit of a pep in his step. Huge change from 2 weeks ago! He just said "no news is GOOD news!!" I had told him that I never had a chance to do my gestational diabetes test...I had planned to do that the day I ended up here! He said that's the least of their concerns right now, so we'll do it between 26-28 weeks. And for me not to worry...they are watching me like a hawk! Then the tech came back to do another blood draw. Apparently my OB ordered another one. I again asked what it was for and she said for my ureic (sorry...spelling?) acid, electrolytes and one other standard thing. Whatever, I'm glad they are watching me so diligently! Then the OB covering rounds for MY OB came in. Funny thing is he is an OB that we had been seeing in the beginnings of our infertility journey. Very nice man. Anyhow, he asked the usual questions and then on his way out he patted my leg and said "you are a very brave soul." I don't feel like a brave soul at all. I feel like a scared and desperate mother willing to do whatever it will take to do what she can for her boys. And even then I feel useless!! It's hard not to sit here and feel like somewhat of a failure as a mother to not even be able to have a typical, safe pregnancy. Even though I know this was not caused by anything I did. But you go through one loss, and then to have to go through a scare like this...it's MY body. So of course I would naturally feel like somewhat of a failure. But I know these are lies, and I know the devil is wanting to make me stumble, doubt, fear and loss hope. And I don't want that...so after I had my moment of tears this morning I decided to pick myself up and brush myself off and asked God for an extra dose of courage and assurance. And...He is answering. My mom and dad came up to visit today and I asked them to bring me a Tim Horton's chili combo. I wanted MEAT so bad!!!!! Oooooooooh, did it ever taste heavenly!! Ya...I'm seriously deprived in here!!! UGH! I was telling my nurse today how excited I am about this day-pass thing I'm allowed to do now! She came back in later and told me it's actually 6 hour day passes WHENEVER I want to get out!!!! But I don't plan to be out too much. If anything it will be just going home when I can. BUT, I was kinda bummed to hear that they are 6 hours only...mostly just for tomorrow. I wanted to spend the WHOLE valentines day at home. BUT, 6 hours is better than nothing!!!!! I'll take it! And then I might go home again on Monday since Brett will have the office closed...even though he might still do some work. At least I can be home! After that, I don't know when I'll be back home. Maybe saturday again. It's not like I can handle shopping trips or coffee outings. Of course after all this I want to remain super cautious!! It's just going to be soooooooooooooooooooooo hard coming back here tomorrow night!! Brett is going to have to deal with some tears I fear! But, I know that being here at the hospital is the safest place for the babies...so I'll deal with it. I can't believe 2 weeks has past! And I can't believe how well things have been going, even with our little guys fluid still so low. Tell me miracles don't exist or happen!! Just look at me and my boys!!! How could anyone not believe in miracles...ME most of all!! I've struggled with wondering why we don't often witness miracles anymore...so I guess God is teaching me something...miracles are still a part of His gift. Sometimes the way we hoped...other times in ways we just can't understand and wish were a bit easier. It is REALLY hitting me that with each passing day we are a day ahead for our boys...and a day closer to meeting them! I pray that we don't meet them toooo soon!! I want them to be able to stay cookin' in me as long as they safely can...but still...we are going to meet them sooner than the average person gets to see their baby! It has just been blowing my mind. I'm just so grateful that they have stayed put this long. 25 weeks and a day! Phew! Brett is finally going to go play hockey tonight. It's so funny because we get nervous about him being away from his phone! But I don't think there will be any excitement tonight. But he was going to take his phone to the bench. My only fear is that he leaves it on the bench!! Anyhow, that's the update for the day. My mom is still hanging out with me and now we are watching the valentines episode of Ellen. And my "little" bro is coming to visit too! Sweet! Ashley...I'm praying for you, your hubby and your little ones too! I know how scary things are for you too right now, and I'm praying for you!!!! I hate to welcome you to the bed-rest agony...but I'm here for you!!!!

Thurs Feb 12...FUN NEWS TODAY!!

OK, so not only is today another wonderful milestone...25 weeks with the boys today!! BUT, I also got some really fun and exciting news from my OB this morning! She said I'm probably getting cabin fever stuck in the hospital, so she is okay with me going out on day passes!!!!!! WOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! The very first thing I thought of were my dogs!! My OB said that for the first 7-10 days she wants strict watch, but now that we have passed that she is comfortable with me getting outside for a bit during the day from time to time!!!! So I said "I can go home and see my dogs?!" And she said "definitely! Go hang out on your own couch for a bit!" But there are three rules: 1) I HAVE to be feeling good enough to go out 2) I HAVE to be with an adult that drives 3) I HAVE to stay in Saskatoon So I'll have to ask the nurses how it all works...if I have certain hours I'm allowed to be out and when I have to be back. I'll still be a resident here and this will be my primary "home"...but to know I can "escape" for a couple hours and relax at HOME...AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH...I am so excited!! So I've already got my first outing planned! Saturday at home with Brett and my dogs!!!! Perfect for valentines day!!!!! All I want to do is grab a couple of Fuddruckers burgers and watch a movie together at home!!!! I can hardly wait!! My OB did tell me that she will be away for the next 10 days! YIKES!! One of her partners has been briefed and is aware of our plan should I go in to labor in those 10 days...but I am PRAYING that this is not the case! I really want MY OB the one delivering our sons IF that should happen! So now REALLY I don't want to go in to labor in that time!! Brett has already "requested" no labor for the next 2 weeks...so I guess this is just more "confirmation" that I can't go in to labor before March! hee hee hee. Let me tell ya, I've been having chats with our boys daily! My next ultra sound is either next Tuesday or Wednesday. Hard to say when you are a "home-dweller" here...they just kinda grab you with an opening. So the new OB will be reviewing the results. Praying that the boys are growing freakishly well...we are praying that even though they don't typically fatten up until closer to the end of pregnancy that these little guys will somehow just gain gain gain! I just feel so happy today!!! It just feels like such a glimmer of hope and joy. Part of me is nervous to leave the hospital...even if it's just to go home to lay on my couch there for a couple hours from time to time. But knowing I'm a 5 minute drive and my OB is feeling comfortable...that helps. So today is a good day. Good news, beautiful milestone, dinner with our friends here at the hospital tonight...ahhhhhhh, it's nice to have happiness in the day!! Thank you thank you thank you Lord!! I needed this!!!!!! "You have been a shelter for me, a strong tower from the enemy." Psalm 61:3

Wed Feb 11

It must be training time for student nurses. Yesterday I had 2 come in the morning to do my vitals and listen to the boys, and this morning there was another one with one of the regular nurses. It totally reminds me of a Will and Grace episode where there is a student nurse taking blood from Grace and she is this super ditzy girl and Grace is terrified of needles...if you've seen the episode, you know the humor. I'm just grateful that I haven't come across a student like that! It's nice to be able to say Good Morning and mean the GOOD! It's so nice to have doctors and nurses come in and tell me I'm their "easiest patient". It's so nice to hear more positive tones these days!! Can't help but have it wear on to me! This morning my OB came in first and said "I ask the nurses how you are doing, and they always say you are fine...it's nice to hear! Another day off the calendar, another day that counts!" THEN my Dr. "D" (resident) came in later on and said "you know you are going to be here for a long time!" And all I could do is smile and say "that's the plan, right!" Just to have that lightness in his voice instead of him feeling so bad for always having to be the "dark" deliverer. I love how they tell me to "keep doing whatever you're doing". Yesterday I was reading a book my mom got me called One Minute Promises. And my OB had come in and saw what I was reading and just said "that's great!" I know that God is working here. I know that even though I don't understand the way things are playing out that He has every detail under control. I get frustrated as the leaking continues...worrying that our little guy is losing more fluid. Yet the ultra sound results show no additional loss...so it's time to remove this worry, and believe that God is everything this precious little one needs as he continues to grow. Tomorrow marks another miracle, another milestone...25 weeks with the boys. 2 weeks more of their growth. 2 weeks more of precious time that they need! 2 more weeks of God showing Himself to us through this. A verse came to mind today: Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart..." God knows my boys, and He knows what their purposes are to be. I believe He has great things in store for them! I am mostly excited by the fact that tomorrow marks 25 weeks, but I'm also soooooo excited that our dear friends are coming up tomorrow night to bring REAL OUTSIDE FOOD!!!!!!! And to share time and a meal together!! I can hardly wait to see you guys, and to have a moment of "normal". I've been waiting for this all week! Thank you Lord for another day, and for continuing to provide protection from infection and no labor!! Ever morning I wake up I am thankful for a calm night, and at the end of each day I thank you for your protection! "Let the redeemed of the Lord SAY so, whom He has delivered from the hand of the adversary." Psalm 107:2

Tuesday, Feb 10

Well, I saw both Dr. D and my OB...things haven't changed...which to us means good news! Our little fighter boys fluid is no better, but no worse...so we are all feeling positive about it. I just said "the same is better than worse", and they agreed! I talked to my OB about the boys weights because Brett is curious how the babies gain weight and how quickly now. She said that the gain weight in ounces right now until closer to the end of pregnancy, and then they pack it on. But now I don't know if that ounces each week? I would assume so! I'm certainly growing, even the nurses who have been with me since day one comment on my growth! So that's good. I'll just keep packing in the food to help the little guys bulk up :) I asked about another ultra sound to check their sizes/growth/weight and my doc said next week we will do that ultra sound. So it's nice to hear them talking about next week! This Thursday will mark week 25, and Friday will have been 2 weeks of me in the hospital. Can we say MIRACLE!!! My mom is hanging out with me today to keep me company. Poor Brett needs to get back at work. I'm just so glad that I was finally able to greet my mom with a happy face and uplifting news. I know that God has it all worked out, right to the last detail...but I'm still going to keep asking for what we desire...fluids built up once more for our little one, no infection, no labor, and a happy delivery day!!

Update Mon Feb 9th

well, after waiting aaaaaall day in hopes that my doctor would come back and talk to both Brett and I with the ultra sound results...nadda. Oh well, I just decided to take it as no news is...not worse news. Brett spent the day with me keeping me entertained and uplifted. He is truly the greatest in the world!! My nurses today were pretty funny! One in particular made me laugh so hard!! At one point this afternoon I was so sick of laying in bed so Brett and I switched. I sat in the chair...HE laid in my bed! The nurse came in and started laughing and saying to Brett "OH you look AMAZING for expecting twins!" Then Brett told her he'd buzz her if he needed anything and then as she was leaving she said "I'll be back to check your cervix". OH MY GOODNESS...did I ever laugh!!!!!!!!!! On my bed tray I have a picture of the boys at 16 weeks (3D ultra sound) and every nurse comments on it when the come in. They just love it. And yesterday my mom bought me this little stand up plaque that says MIRACLES HAPPEN. The most astonishing thing about miracles is that they happen. GK Chesterton. A few of the nurses have commented on that. And when I was going down for my ultra sound I was wearing a t-shirt that my friend had made for me that says across the belly "God's Little Miracles". The ultra sound tech said "I love your shirt". No matter what...our boys are a miracle and a witness of God's grace. These little comments confirm that to me. And if I can be any kind of witness in even my attitude...then God is doing more than I hoped. Not just through my boys, but through me too. I'm trying to get to sleep so that I will be mentally prepared to deal with speaking to my doctor without Brett regarding todays ultra sound. That's tough...I wish I didn't have to do that alone. My head starts spinning when they start talking, and I don't want to make any decisions without Brett. I pray that even though our little guys fluid is still low that there is still time for him to keep growing before my doc may decide it's time to meet our little ones. It hit me today that one day soon...we will be seeing our miracle babies! And that thought really caught my breathe! wow! I've never thought about labor and all that entails, but today I did have it cross my mind. I told Brett that the only thing that makes me nervous is the possibility that I will go in to labor alone in this room during the night...hmmmm. Well, I better get to sleep. I'm tired, it has been another long day...and tomorrow will be a big day too.

Monday, Feb 9...

Well, today we had our ultrasound. The fluid in our little fighters amniotic sac has not changed and is still quite low. I don't understand why...but it's beyond my understanding. We still stand in faith that God will be the fluid and breathe our little one needs to continue on. The babies have moved yet again...at least we know they are very active! They are always a guessing game as to where they may be hidding. We tried to get an updated picture of them, but neither wanted to show off their gorgeous faces...modesty...that's my boys. Or just little stinkers! Continually giving us a run for our money! Now we wait to speak to our doctor and see what she recommends. Praying that it is enough good news to hang on longer instead of having to make quick decisions. It's tiring. My wonderful hubby is hanging with me today at the hospital...and even though it isn't the best surrounding...it's better to be here with him! We are looking outside my hospital room window at the fog...very foggy today! I was thrilled to finally have my IV shunt taken out today. My doctor figured it has been in long enough (since we've been here) and it will need to be changed anyhow once things progress to delivery. So I finally have true "freedom". Thank heavens, because it was really starting to get agitating!! Hmmmmmm, now all that would top it off is a good dinner from the KEG!!!! Ohhhh, to have real people food again! Thank you for your continued prayers. We still pray for miracles beyond miracles for both our little babes!!!

Sunday, Feb 8th...24 weeks 3 days

Wow, what a morning. The nurses came in to do the usual heart rate checks and couldn't seem to find two separate heart beats. I laid there in tears and panic and fear while they searched and searched. Then they brought in some big monitor to try to find them...still...couldn't find the two. Dr. D was on rotation today, so he did an ultra sound. As I walked down the hall with the nurse I felt every bit of strength in me quickly dwindling...wondering what we would see. I was begging, pleading, crying out to God to please let me see both of our sons still beating and moving. Dr. D came in and I completely broke down. He just kept trying to reassure me and gave me a hug before we started. Right away he found my fighter baby. And heart rate was perfectly fine! His fluid is still quite low. Some, but low. I keep praying that there is enough for him as we continue this struggle to keep them within me. Our second baby has moved quite a bit, so they were both pretty close to each other. Heart rate was just as perfect! And he was boogying around all over the place. I just started crying tears of joy! So Dr. D has written a note in my file as to where the boys are so that the nurses will have an easier time locating tonight. Dr. D was disappointed because he couldn't get a print out of the boys pictures for me. The machine wasn't cooperating...but I was just happy to have gotten to see them moving around and heart beating. That is ingrained in my brain! I feel like I can breathe a bit more today. I was scheduled for an ultra sound tomorrow, but got to see them a day earlier. I'm not sure if they'll still take me for another scan tomorrow. I just keep praying for each milestone Thursday. This thursday will be 25 weeks and 2 weeks in the hospital. And 25 weeks makes even more of a difference! Please continue to pray for our boys, as I know that you all are. Brett and I appreciate it more than you know...and these prayers are making a difference in our sons lives!

It's crazy how quickly the emotions change sitting here pinned in this hospital room. One moment feeling peace and hope...the next facing daunting decisions and the unknown. Yesterday was a down day. I was so drained with all the decisions we are facing, and wanting the very best for our boys but having that never ending "what if" feeling. I am sad that I don't get to carry out this pregnancy like I dreamed. Sad I don't get to proudly walk around with my ever growing belly. Sad that I am apart from so many even though I am right here in the city. Missing my dogs immensely! Missing the dream of what we thought this pregnancy would be like. And angry that I face each day with uncertainty instead of the blissful joy of a "normal" pregnant woman. I don't understand the why's of this journey, but I have to keep believing that this story will end in a miracle beyond medical understanding. I know we are in for a long road...but I just keep praying that we just make it through another chunk of weeks to keep increasing the chances for our precious boys. I am just waiting for my nurse to come and do the usual temperature (to watch eagle eye of any infection), blood pressure and to hear our babies heart beats. That is the best part of my day...hearing them! Yesterday the boys were very active. Especially our little one that has no idea of the danger his brother is in. He was kicking and punching aaaaaall day. We have our next ultra sound on Monday to check on our little fighter and see where his fluid levels are at. I keep praying for such a miracle as to see that he has enough fluid for his lung development and praying that we will receive some good news through all the darkness. We keep trusting God for His perfect plan to be unfolding, and we know that however it does...then is has been completed. I pray that both boys are born with little affects and will carry both mine and Brett's stubborn fighting spirits. I wish every day that I could reverse time and NEVER have had to experience this. I stare out my hospital room window and imagine myself walking down the street with Brett while feeling the boys safely inside me. I keep thinking...right now I'm supposed to be getting their room ready...not wondering how the room will now end up. I'm supposed to be getting meals ready with my mom to freeze to help up through the next couple months so I didn't have to worry about cooking while carrying on the last couple months of this pregnancy. So many dreams that I had. So many dreams that I still have, yet am scared to allow myself to cling to. I am feeling numb today. Feeling lost. Yet, I know that God is continually providing the hope and strength that I need. I just wish the human spirit could be as strong! I am so very scared for my boys. Every day IS a milestone and miracle...but every day is a day closer to the inevitable arrival of their oh so very early birth. I pray for the strength that they will need to fight and stay with their mommy and daddy. That their pictures will make the wall of miracles in the NICU! Please continue to lift us in prayer. Please continue to pray against infection for me and the boys and that labor and cramping will not come in to play for many more weeks! I thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers!

Our seventh miracle

Today Brett and I were introduced to the NICU liason...our seventh miracle. This woman is beyond what I could have asked for today. The very first thing she said was "congratulations!" The first time someone in this medical field opted to begin with joy and hope!! She spoke patiently with us and so kind. She helped provide us much needed relief from all the medical statistic jargon that left nothing but gloom! She was my angel today! After talking with us and encouraging us and explaining the walk we will be on she took us down to the NICU and we got to go in and see the babies in there now. She introduced us to a couple who were preparing their second premie child to go home today!! We heard the cries of a little one, and it took everything in me not to fall to pieces. But to see the care they were all receiving left me feeling more at peace than I have all week! I had a rough morning to start with after my OB's resident rounds...more statistic junk that I'm tired of being fed every morning. Like I don't understand!! He tells me every morning. I had a terrible sleep last night so to have to listen to it AGAIN just did me in. My mom joined me shortly after until Brett was able to take over. My angels! But again, after meeting with this WONDERFUL lady and seeing first hand the care our boys will receive did wonders for my soul. Tonight we are having fun watching Greys Anatomy and Private Practice...a nice break! I'm praying for a full and restful sleep tonight so that my strength will continue to grow. My appetite has been coming back...even to the point of me anticipating my not-so-lovely hospital food! Sometimes it is a guessing game at what I'm devouring, but too hungry to care!! :) I thank God for a break in the gloom today, and for this precious woman who took such care and time for Brett, me and our boys. God knew we needed a bit of a sunray of encouragement and hope and I am so grateful for that. We have another day under our belts and the boys heart rates remain strong and movement good. I am clinging to yet another precious miracle to be seen on that ultra sound screen on Monday...please keep us in your prayers! Thank you Lord for some sunshine today!

The journey...

Well, I'm new to this blog stuff, but on the recommendation of a family friend I realize this is by far the best way to share... As you, my family and friends know...Brett and I have gone through quite a journey that just doesn't want to end the typical way that so many others seem to get. In August/September '08 we underwent our second IVF round after losing our precious identical twins Dec '07. 6 weeks after our second transfer we were once again blessed to hear we were expecting twins...this time fraternal. Admittedly I was a bit heart broken to hear "twins" again after all we had gone through, but was beyond relieved to hear they each were in their own sac with own placenta. It took me a good 13-14 weeks to connect to this pregnancy. And with every appointment with my OB (who is a highly respected high-risk pregnancy OB here in the city..thank you Lord!) each appointment brought joyful and happy news that things were looking beautifully. At my last appointment she was beyond happy with how things were looking. Then a turn that we never dreamed would happen... Just after 12:10am on Friday Jan 30th I was awoken by the sudden urge to run to the bathroom. I prayed it was just the usual need for one of the many nightly potty visits, but as I stood by the sink I realized I was standing in a pool of water. I prayed and pleaded and begged that I had just had an embarassing accident, but knew better. I called the oncall OB at the hospital and he wanted me in immediately. Tests confirmed that my membranes had ruptured. I had just turned 23 weeks on Thurs Jan 29th...so we knew this was not good. I was admitted instantly and put on IV antibotics to start against the fight of possible infection. We knew infection could mean disastrous results. And we were told the first 48 hours were critical. I never thought I would have this many tears again after '07 but instantly started praying to my Lord and Saviour knowing that HE is my ultimate physician and that no matter what HE is caring for our sweet boys. I felt like Sunday would never arrive...but it came and has passed with no signs of infection or labor. Miracle one! I am still on oral antibiotics, and still infection free and have not had any contractions or cramping. Miracle number two. When we first arrived we met a NICU resident who basically gave us no hope if the boys decided to come early. She said they would make no attempt to revive the boys at that stage. I've never wanted to hit someone harder in my life! How dare someone tell me my boys didn't deserve a chance!! But later that morning the story changed...she came to say the head NICU doctor would be coming to see us and that there were some alternatives to consider. Miracle number three. Although our meeting left us with gloomy outlooks, we were still told that if the boys had heart beats, if it was our desire they would intubate and do their best on a step by step process. Miracle number four. We told them our desire after a day that so long as the boys had heart beats, they deserved a fighting chance! Although we would be also be loving enough to know when to let go if we were so led. We pray that this NEVER becomes an issue we face. On Saturday Jan 31 I was taken for an ultra sound. Our one little boy has lost substantial amniotic fluid, and he is at greatest risk of infection...but he is still moving around lots and heart beat is very strong. Our other boy is totally unaware of what is going on around him...but I keep asking him to talk to his brother and let him know how needed he is!! Our little fighter boy is now breach bum down across my bladder...so when he starts stretching/kicking and moving I am instantly in the bathroom!! hee hee hee. We are holding this little one in particular in our heavenly fathers hands trusting that he can be proof to the medical profession that miracles do exist. Their concern is that his lung compacity will have been compromised...but we know that through faith and prayer our God can provide beyond our understanding. I know for some of you who have never really known the extent of my faith, or do not have faith in God yourselves...this might sound like the ramblings of a religious "unrealistic" person...but trust me...my faith does not take away fear and doubt and the very real circumstances of our situation. But I could not imagine going through this without the love of my Lord. Knowing that whatever the outcome...He will provide for Brett and I, and our boys. We don't understand why we have been brought down another journey...but I believe with all my heart that these precious miracles have such a special purpose and testimony that God is very real, and very loving...that in good and bad...he does not create the circumstance just to prove Himself, but to show his love THROUGH whatever circumstance. I have never had an "easy" life journey...and Brett and I just figured to have finally come to this point of a successful and promising pregnancy that we would breaze through. But God has chosen to stretch our faith and to build us even more in Him. Don't get me wrong...we are frustrated, scared, tired and even angry...but I refuse to become bitter!!! My God is a loving God, and just because of my faith in Him it does not keep me from all the evil in this world...but He gives me hope to stay strong through whatever journey, valley or high time...He is my friend, my constant companion. I find mornings very rough as I don't sleep well, and have to listen to other women on this ward in active labor about to deliver their healthy babies without the fears I face. Thank heavens for Ipods!! Last night was especially tough. OK, I'm juming ahead here a bit...more of my list of miracles within this past week. On Monday Feb 2nd I was woken by three doctors going over my "case" and one of the OB's who is a partner in my OB's practice ordered steroid shots to begin on Wed Feb 4th. I wanted to jump up and hug and kiss here...Miracle number five! No one was offering me this hope. This is not offered before 24 weeks as it is not beneficial to the babies. But when I heard I was being given a day early of hope to start the shots I was out of my skin in praise to my Lord! It was the best news ever to me in all the gloom and darkness. At 3:30am on Wednesday morning I was WIDE awake and knew I wouldn't be able to sleep until I got that first shot. My nurses have become accustomed to my wierd sleepless pattern and I've been dubbed the "insomniac girl" :) At 3:45am I was buzzing my nurse and asking her to do the shot...which she did. I've never been more grateful to receive such a big needle in my muscle!! She warned me the shot makes people hyper...but I was OUT COLD after she was done!! I was just so very relieved. However, I learned later that day that I would receive a second shot exactly 24 hours later which meant...I had to be up by 3:45 this morning!! hee hee hee. OK, I may have tried to show more patience had I known that at the original shot. But whatever...I was up anyhow!! Again relieved to have that second shot. They will do another series as the boys get older (around 27/28 weeks) provided they are still hanging out inside mom!! Another miracle (number 6 in my week) is that I have hit the 24 week mark today. Medically speaking my boys are "viable" and survival goes from 10% upon first arrival to now 40-60% survival. There is of course still concern about mental and physical development stats...but again...that is the medical stats. I know a Greater Statician!! Again...every day these boys hang in there is another day of growth and another day of better (although still a long road) success. This morning I really struggled after talking to my OB's resident. My OB was in and all she said was "another day off the calendar...lets keep going!" But of course the resident has to come and add all the medical jargon saying he was sorry to have to overload me with all the extra stuff..and "knock on wood". He is a sweet person, but still has that medical part that fills me with dread when I hear of the risks to one or both babies. So on top of my sleepless night, I had to once again face listening to all this stuff on my own. And that is getting tiresome. I should ask him not to come until Brett can be here to take it all in with me instead of me having to retell the jargon. I called my parents early this morning, and they were soon on their way. Brett tries to get work done in the morning so he can be with me in the afternoon. We were supposed to have a NICU tour yesterday just to be prepared and aware, but they had an emergency so we are hoping to get down there today...but it's tough to schedule anything with an intensive care unit. I just keep taking the delay as God letting me know we don't need to go down that path just yet. So Brett is "on call" today. It's tough for him to be my rock, keep the business running (thank God for a wonderful employee that we can trust with things!!) and taking care of all the house things. I hear my niece has been recruited to help with laundry...so thank you Morgan for your help!! I am blessed and grateful for the friend and family support through visits and emails that have been sent through the hospital! The flowers have also added some cheer to my little room. I've been blessed to be given a private room, which is WONDERFUL!! For the prayer support of those through church, family and friends...I can not thank you enough. Those prayers carry me through each day, and mean the world to us and our sons!! Please keep them coming!! Thank you to the elders who came from church to pray over me and the babies! Those visits have brought much comfort and support in such a scary time! I can not be more grateful for my parents who sacrifice (although to them is no sacrifice at all) their days to stay by my bed with me to help keep me sane. When this all took place my mom was stuck in Texas and couldn't get home. My dad took over...and dad...your wee girl thanks you for the showing of tears and "weakness"...I know I am not the only one! And even though you used to pride yourself on the Scottish front of showing no emotion...as you say...your wee girl has broken you...and that is a good thing! My mom has been my daily companion and her friendship and love and support has been beyond loved and cherished. My wonderful husband who watches my tears daily is my rock and my comfort and support. We have been through 8 years of wonder, questions, frustrations, sadness...but he has never given up on me. Never waivered in his love for me and his support has been boundless. I could never have imagined such an amazing gift from God through the form of my best friend...my husband...my forever love! My greatest support comes from my Lord. My human and weak mind can not comprehend the why's of our journey...but I know that great good will come through it all. Even in the times where I feel like I am losing the battle...I feel His hands hold me up and give me strength. In the days, weeks, months since losing our first twins God and I have gone through such a journey...and I refuse to let go of all that we have accomplished. I truly believe that even through this He will use this miracle to touch many lives who never gave God a second thought. Let me say something...God willing as our boys come home with Brett and I...if anyone can question whether there is a God, or that miracles exist...I want you to take a strong hard look at our sons and tell me to my face you no longer believe! I pray that through this time many will be touched in a special way knowing that God can be just as real to each of you as He is to me, my husband, our sons and our family! One day I will meet our first set of babes at heavens gate...and through the knowledge of the grace I have been given through God's own sacrifice of His own son's death on the cross and rising from the grave...I KNOW that my life is all for not! And the same goes for each and every one of you! Again, I'm sure their are some of you just shaking your heads...but let me tell you...I pray for each one of my friends and family daily. I pray that sadness in this world does not sway you from the love of God. The sin of this world and the tough times we face does not mean that God "allows" this to hurt us. That is where sin has brought our world...but God gives us hope through it all. I pray that you find this true one day! And for those of you who did not realize my faith...I regret keeping it hidden...but now you know! Although I'm still the same goofy Heather that you know...but now you know me a bit deeper. One of my favorite bible verses since our IVF journey (which is a whole other story) has been Exodus 14:13,14... Don't be afraid. Just stand where you are and watch and you will see the wonderful way the Lord will rescue you today. The Lord will fight for you. I cling to that! Please continue to pray for our precious miracles. Specifically that infection will continue to stay away as well that I do NOT go in to labor anytime soon!!! Pray for strength for the boys, and for Brett and I and our families. Pray that I will not be overcome by dark thoughts and will stay focused for my babies. I pray for each and everyone of you too and thank you for your love and support!!!! I will try to keep this updated, and sure I will as I really have nothing else to do!! I'm on bed rest, but am to get up for short walks to ensure no blood clots occur. Please also pray that our ultra sound on Monday (9th) will not bring hard news...but that the medical teams jaws will drop in awe!! I wish I was getting to post a typical carefree pregancy update...but I pray that the story of our babies journey and our journey will bless each of you in a special way!! Thank you to everyone!!!! Much love, Heather, Brett and their miracle babies!!